Telemarketer Theater: Phone Sex Edition

Oh Hell Yeah it is!!!  That’s right. At long last, It’s the one you’ve been waiting for. The Phone Sex Edition of Telemarketer Theater!

Our hero, MAV is sitting in his office reading literary journals, because that’s just the kind of wild man he is. The phone rings in the other room. Mav goes to answer it and is greeted by a muffled sounding CALLER. Like many of the callers from phishing services, he has a foreign accent, but he has worked very hard to cover it, and we cannot be sure of the origin. He is also better at reading from the script and recovering than most callers. He has clearly been at it a long time. There is the unmistakeable mummer of a a bulk call center in the background, the kind that Mav has grown to know and love. He quickly runs back into his office with the cordless phone up to his ear and opens a web browser to a porn site. He clicks on a random video from the front page, pauses it before it begins to play.

Mav: Hello?

Caller: Hello… is [pauses to read from his computer screen] is….err…  Holly there?

Mav: Who’s calling?

Caller: Hello sir, this is Mike calling from Windows Technical Support. We have detected an emergency problem with your computer system.

Mav: Oh no, is it serious?

Caller: Well, yes sir, it seems for the last couple of weeks you have been being attacked with a virus from the centralized server.

Mav: Well, that does sound bad.

Caller: That is ok sir, we can help you. I am authorized to offer you free technical support to resolve this issue.

Mav: Gee, thanks Mike. Hey, you sound hot. [Mav presses play to un-pause the video he had queued up]

Caller: Thank you sir. Ok, I’m going to need you to turn on your windows computer.

Mav [Looking at the Macintosh in front of him]: Ok, It’s on. What are you wearing, Mike?

Caller: What am I wearing, sir?

Mav: Yeah, you sound hot. My wife and I are wondering what you have on?

Caller: I’m sorry sir?

Mav: Well, my wife, her boyfriend and I were just sitting here fucking and sometimes we like to have other people join us and we thought you might be interested [Mav turns of the volume on his speakers. so that the moaning of the porn can be heard]

Caller: Oh, I’m sorry sir, I can call back another time.

Mav: No, no, no Mike. We’re into you. It’s ok.

Caller: Ok, if you could…

Mav [interrupting]: MMMMM…. oh yeah… that’s so good….

Caller: What was that sir?

Mav: You’re doing fine, Mike. Keep going. [Mav turns speakers up even higher].

Caller: Ok, if you look on the bottom left hand side of your computer keyboard you will see a key labeled CTRL

Mav: Oh, the Sea Turtle Key?

Caller: Sea Turtle? Excuse me?

Mav: Nevermind, it was a callback.

Caller: You want me to call you back?

Mav: No, no, please keep going.

Caller: Sir, if you’re busy we can…

Mav: Mike, why don’t you come here and “help us fix it.”

Caller: Sir, I see you’re in Pennsylvania and we are in Texas, but that is ok, if you’ll work with us, we can fix this problem for you on the phone.

Mav: It’s just an excuse, Mike. I’m trying to get you here so that we can fuck you.

Caller: Sir?

Mav: Don’t you want to fuck us, Mike?

Caller: Sir, I am at work, I cannot have this conversation at this time.

Mav: Do you mind if I put you on speaker phone, Mike? Your voice is so sexy, and I think that will help my wife and our boyfriend cum. Is that ok?

Caller: That is fine sir, but as I was saying I can’t…

Mav [switching to speakerphone, and turning computer volume way up, so he is must yell over the porn sounds]: Talk dirty to us, Mike.

Caller: I cannot do that sir, we are a call center and I am under video surveillance. I certainly cannot have a conversation like this right now, but if you would like I can still help you with the virus we are detecting from your Windows Computer that.

Mav: Mike, have you ever been with another man?

Caller: Sir?

Mav: Have you ever had a man stick his cock down your throat? Have you felt a man fuck you in your tight little asshole.

Caller: No sir, I have not. I cannot have this conversation right now, sir, we have surveillance in our office and.

Mav: Would you like to fuck my wife, Mike?

Caller: But sir, they monitor the…

Mav: Mike?

Caller: Yes sir?

Mav: Don’t you hear her moaning? [Moves phone closer to speaker]

Caller: I do, sir…

Mav: That’s for you, Mike. That’s just from her hearing your sexy voice.

Caller: But sir, I am in Texas and….

Mav: Then lets just have phone sex….

Caller: But sir, I am in an office and I can not at this time…

Mav: Hey Mike, let me level with you?

Caller: Yes sir?

Mav: Mike, I know you’re not really working for Windows.

Caller: You do?

Mav: That’s right, I do. I know you’re working for working for a company that specializes in calling people and trying to steal their passwords.

Caller: But, how do you know that sir?

Mav: It’s ok, Mike… I don’t mind. I think you’re hot. My wife thinks you’re hot.

Caller: But sir…

Mav: Mike, let me ask you something. What means more to you? Some stupid little job where you make endless cold calls all day and get yelled at or hung up on or would you rather say fuck it and have the single most amazing sexual experience of your life right now?

Caller: I don’t know, sir. I don’t… I mean…

Mav: Do you hear her, Mike?

Caller: I do.

Mav: She’s about to cum, Mike. That’s all for you. You want it, don’t you Mike. How would you like to come here and fuck my wife. I’ll let you, Mike. You can fuck her, and I’ll fuck you in the ass at the same time, while our boyfriend shoves his thick cock right down your throat… would you like that, Mike?

Caller: I… uh… I…

Mav: How big is it, Mike?

Caller: Sir?

Mav: You know what I’m asking Mike. You can hear her moaning can’t you? How big is your cock, Mike?

Caller: Seven.

Mav: What was that, Mike? Say it louder. Don’t worry about that job. How big is it Mike? Shout it!!!

Caller: Seven! Seven inches!

Mav: Seven inches? Really Mike?

Caller: Yes it’s–

Voice Behind Caller: HANG UP THE DAMN PHONE!

[CLICK]

Fin!

Honestly… I’m amazed he hung in there that long. Wow.