on laser hair removal…

It’s been a while since I actually did this, but I have just driven past the annoying billboard about laser hair removal down the street from my house one time too many. So, here we go, a chance to really break in the eyecon with 1000 words of free flowing hostility:

Laser hair removal. Oh, how far technology has come. When I was a kid, lasers were used for one thing. Shooting enemy COBRA agents. Then, they figured out how to use them to fix eye problems, that was kinda cool. Now you use them to get a really good shave. Sigh.

Ok, so the way I see it, when it comes to hair, there are two kinds of people in the world. People who care about their appearance and people who don’t. Now if you truly and honestly don’t give a shit, I have no problem with you. Fine, go on about your business, the things I’m saying really don’t apply to you. But most of us do care. Even the militant alternative people who might claim they are rebelling against a narcissistic society by wearing their hair in blue mohawks care. See, they go through effort to do that.

So I’m all about fashion statements through body mutilation. I have the tattoo on my back and am thinking about getting one on my arm and I’ve punched a few holes in my body to hang trinkets from. So I have no problem with people making permanent or semi-permanent changes to their body in the name of a certain look, but I’m a firm believer in being sure. I thought long and hard about my tattoo. Made sure it was really what I wanted before I did it. Why? Because it doesn’t fucking come off! I can’t undo it. Barring major expenditures of cash on my part, it’s there and it’s staying there.

But there is this stupid fucking billboard down the street from my house that has a picture of the left side of a guy’s face with stubble and then the picture is split down the center with a laser and on the right side of his face, he’s nice and clean shaven. The message here is “get laser hair removal, and never have to shave again!” WHAT THE FUCK! Of all the dumbass shit! Laser your face so that you never have to shave again. How ridiculous. Why? I’ll tell you why.

Styles change. Desires change. See, some laser hair removal makes sense. If you have a hairy back, then please, be my guest. By all means, zap that shit off. If you’ve got a unibrow, eh, ok, go ahead… BZZZZTT! If you’re a woman, and you have some hairs sprouting out of your chin that you are tired of plucking. Well ok, that makes sense, burn that fucker. But lasering so that you don’t have to shave again? Well, if my pigmentally challenged readers will excuse me for a moment (the guy on the billboard was black), NIGGA PLEASE!

Just because you don’t want a beard or mustache today, that doesn’t mean you aren’t going to want one tomorrow, or next year, or in ten years. I know you may say, but I don’t like them… well, things change. When I was eight years old, I didn’t like girls… now, twenty years later, I can’t get enough of them. (Ok, that’s a lie… I was the “mack daddy” you see, I’ve been pimpin’ hos nationwide since I could walk… but you get my point) People change.

And now people are talking about getting their heads lasered because they like the bald look.

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

Of all the ignorant ass bullshit in the world. Sy Sperling must be throwing a fit right now. Seriously, I get that the bald head is actually kind of in right now. Especially for the negro man but really, what if the afro comes back again? And don’t say it can’t because the ‘fro was in for about 15 min. in 1997. You might have blinked and missed it, but I think the gangsta rappers were testing the waters so that they could bring it back strong in 2007. Four years from now, I’m gonna be rolling hardcore with hair out a foot and a half from my face, and my Huey Newton fist afro pick sticking out the top and you dumbasses are gonna get left out.

Same thing with women who laser off their eyebrows so that they can draw them in later. Dumbasses. All of them. Ok, I’m willing to make the reasonable prediction that the unibrow look is never going to be “in” in our life times, so if you want to zap that off, fine. But to go beyond that is just too risky. Remember when the Brooke Shields bushy look was in? It could happen again.

I’m willing to make other concessions, too. If you’re a woman, and you want to laser your legs? Ok, fine. Much like not having a hairy back, I feel good about the fact that you be reasonably sure that no one is ever going to think you’re unstylish because you don’t have hairy legs protruding from your mini-skirt. I’m kinda torn on the lasering of pubic hairs though. I want to say that, its ok, certainly it’s probably fine to do the bikini line. But going beyond that… well, as much as you make like it. As much as Playboy shows me that it may be in right now, a mere 20-30 years ago, the furry look was all the rage. Same thing goes for guys shaving their chest. It’s like eyebrows. It’s unlikely that the gorilla look is ever going to be in, but sometimes the hairy chest is.

I guess what I’m saying here, is that I understand the need to groom. I understand the need to want to be trendy. And I understand the desire to say, “To hell with that, fuck y’all… I have my hairy legs, arm pits, chest, and a beard down to here, and I don’t care.” But if you are the kind of person who does care, then don’t take your right to change your mind with the changing styles.

Unless of course, you’re a Buddhist monk, ok, then ignore me.