on tapping that ass, no matter how old it is…

In the interest of being less gay than I have been in recent posts, I bring you my latest in a never ending stream of political incorrectness.

So, as I mentioned earlier, I was watching Roger Dodger last night, and it got me thinking about the ages of random actresses that I thought were hot. This kinda baked in my head over night and through out the day today and when it was done, I realized that I had the impetus to write 1000 words of free-flowing hostility:

It really wasn’t that long ago that 40 seemed like it ancient to me. 40! The big four-oh! Over the hill! One foot in the grave. Just about time to roll over and die. Today, I am 370 days away from being 30, and I think maybe I’ll take stock and reexamine that theory from a practical standpoint. Namely, how old is too old to fuck? In fact, how old is too young?

beststephi likes to tease me about my having crushes on certain starlets that she considers too young for me. (At various times, I’ve admitted to crushes on Britney Spears, Charlotte Church, Alicia Keys, the girls from t.A.T.u, and Elisha Cuthbert) But how young is too young? And why don’t people ever tease a guy for having a crush on an older woman? Afterall, if someone ten years younger than me is too young, shouldn’t someone ten years older than me be too old as well?

So I watched Roger Dodger last night and was quite amused to see Elizabeth Berkley (31) starring with Jennifer Beals (39) and I thought to myself “Damn! I could so tap dat ass!” and then I realized that I was referring to the older of the two. Now don’t get me wrong, Elizabeth Berkley is also imminently fuckable, but it had never really occurred to me before that I might actively lust after someone in their 40s (Ok, she’s not quite 40, but you get my point).

So I spent some time thinking about this. Someone, I think it was thwomp told me that the “rule” was that in order for you to fuck someone, they had to be at least half your age plus seven. It seemed pretty silly at the time, but upon thinking about it a little more, I remember that being Malcolm X’s criteria for marriage (at least in the movie) as well. So I decided to try and think about this seriously for a bit. Ok, So, I’ll be 29 on Friday, so half my age is 14 plus seven takes me to 21. Furthermore, someone shouldn’t be allowed to fuck me unless they are no older than seven years less than twice my age or 44. So I have what I’m going to call an F-range of 23 years between 21 and 44. At least according to that scale. So I’m wondering how I feel about that. Ok, so of the women I mentioned so far in this rant, I think all of them are included inside of the F-range except for Charlotte Church. Now even in the hey day of my crush on Ms. Church, I admitted that I was never really so much lustfully attracted to her body so much as her voice. That is, I didn’t so much want to tap dat ass, as I wanted to keep her in a little cage and have her sing songs from Bizet’s Carmen while I’m in the middle of a Destiny’s Child love sandwich with Beyonce Knowles and Kelly Rowland (say my name, say my name). Ok, I hear you… “that’s pretty fucked up, Mav.” Tough shit. That’s my fantasy… you get your own. So anyway, the point is, I decided I could work within those bounds.

So, also starring in the film is Isabella Rosselini. Now despite the fact that she is intended to be something of a sexy character in the film I did not have the little voice in the back of my head going “Damn, Mav, you need to hit that.” But to be fair, I have never really been all that attracted to Isabella, despite having a lifelong crush on her mother. Now this is weird though, because her mother is much older than I am (as well as… you know… dead and stuff). But now that I think about it, I’m not sure I ever really had a crush on Ingrid Bergman, so much as I have a crush on Ilsa Lund, and in my mind’s eye, Ilsa Lund is trapped in the year 1942 at the perpetual age of 28. Whereas Isabella, as well as Joyce (her character in the film, at 52 is well outside of my F-Range.

So are these rules hard and fast? Well not really. It didn’t take long for me to come up with Kristin Kreuk and Michelle Pfieffer who at 20 and 45 are both just outside of my F-range, but you have to figure there are always going to be outliers, and well, the range is going to grow as I age anyway. But really, the day that I’m sitting in a hotel lobby and Kristin and Michelle approach me together and invite me to their room for a night of unbridled passion, I don’t think pulling out the old calculator and running numbers is going to be at the top of my list of priorities.

So maybe it makes some sense, I guess. It just kinda weirds me out that by this basic formula, it means that I am now way too old to mess around with 18 year olds. That just makes me feel ancient. To quote the great Chris Rock, “Ain’t nothing on this earth as fine as an 18 year old Puerto Rican girl!” And when he said that, maybe five or six years ago, I was very inclined to agree. Its hard to let that go. Of course, now that I think about it, there aren’t a whole lot of 18 year olds (Puerto Rican or not) that I have on my mental checklist of uber-hotties in the media (and where there are, like I said, there are exceptions to every rule). In five years will my list of 21 year olds also have dwindled to a handful? Will I be happily lusting after women in their late forties? Or will I just abandon the whole stupid argument and be like “Goddamn! That Alexa Vega is hot! I gots to get me a piece of that!”