chrismaverick: I swear as long as I live, I’ll never understand you white people and your irrational attraction to bagels
sui66iy: this coming from a man who goes to great lengths to eat grits
chrismaverick: well yeah, that makes sense
If I had ambition, I might write a paper for publication somewhere…
I once had to show a bunch of people in Alabama how to eat grits. In Alabama for chrissakes! OF course, on the BAgel subject, you are making the assumption that Jews count as white people.*
*For those of you who can’t figure it out: That’s a joke. Everyone knows that Jews aren’t people. HAW!
DISCLAIMER: the opinions of are his and his alone and do not represent Enterprises Inc., its management, employees, corporate policies or practices or owners or the families thereof. In other words, when the revolution comes, please don’t bomb us.
Or possibly, they are simple mockeries of such opinions and the people who might actually hold them.
Mangled SP quotes, away!
“Kyle, all those times I called you a dirty Jew? I didn’t mean it. You’re not a Jew, Kyle.”
“Cartman, I am a Jew!”
“No, don’t be so hard on yourself.”
Re: Mangled SP quotes, away!
HAHAHAHAHAAH!!!
see… every once in a while I worry that the Federal govt. will supoena my journal for evidence that I am a racist if I am ever being tried for a hate crime or something. Then I remember that I used to post to hairstyles and I’m just doomed anyway.
Re: Mangled SP quotes, away!
You posted to DPB, too. You’ll never hold government office. Sorry.
Re: Mangled SP quotes, away!
I don’t think anything I’ve ever posted to DPB was anywhere near as offensive as “Jameel being that way” or “if Soohoo can do it, you can do it!”
I figured… but really… don’t bomb me… s’all I’m sayin’
Race betrayal
I like bagels. I don’t like grits.
…
Where the white women at?
Re: Race betrayal
I like bagels. I don’t like grits.
race traitor! race traitor!
Where the white women at?
Ooh? White girl? Was it everything I dreamed of? Were her nipples all pink and uh…. nevermind…
Re: Race betrayal
Damn that kryptonite*!
*Jameel and Mav are susceptible to Black Man’s Kryptonite, which robs them of willpower and precious nitrates -ed
Re: Race betrayal
I love the little editorial comments, btw… you need issue numbers.
We need to make a black man’s kryptonite webpage. I mean, I speculate that just like Kryptonian kryptonite, there are different kinds… I mean, what about 18 year old puerto rican black man’s kryptonite?
Re: Race betrayal
I just updated my entry in the OHotJU. Making a web page is a very good idea.
I mean, what about 18 year old puerto rican black man’s kryptonite?
Gives me head*
*of a giant ant. -ed
Re: Race betrayal
“and, if he’s lucky, precious nitrates.”
BWAHAHAHA!!!
Re: Race betrayal
I enjoys me some white women!
Re: Race betrayal
yes… don’t we all…. let us negroes sit and rejoice on the glory that is black man’s kryptonite.
Re: Race betrayal
Here. I like grits. I look forward to it everytime I visit the South. You can’t get good grits here, anywhere!
Re: Race betrayal
I make grits all the time, as Mike was pointing out… but its not really about the grits, its about the bacon fat that you mix in with them. Mmmmmm….
gratuitous dave chappelle reference
This may affect your position in the racial draft, jameel.
Re: gratuitous dave chappelle reference
hmmm… I’m not sure I saw that one… *sigh* when does the season 2 DVD set come out?
Re: gratuitous dave chappelle reference
If someone could make a picture of me like that, I’d love them forever….
Re: gratuitous dave chappelle reference
what do you want exactly?
Re: gratuitous dave chappelle reference
See that picture of Colin Powell, how it looks like it’s from a news or sports broadcast? Something like that. Hell, have stats on the side of the screen, and that’d be even cooler.
Woot, 100th comment!
Re: gratuitous dave chappelle reference
shouldn’t be too hard to mock up in Pshop. Do you have a particular picture in mind? or do you need one taken?
Re: gratuitous dave chappelle reference
We need to arrange a shoot for one of your projects, anyway.
Re: gratuitous dave chappelle reference
yeah… definitely… I’m busy today, but possibly tomorrow or next weekend. Of course, next weekend I hope to be
runningdoing birthday stuff… I dunno… sometime…I do not think that anything outside a certain radius of NYC can fairly be counted as a bagel.
see… now you’re debating the quality of stale donuts based on geographic location… like I said… you white people are nuts…
Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
Who you calling white? I am middle eastern. It says so on all my school applications.
Don’t worry though, I speak the very good English.
As for food and geography, it is you people in the wilderness that are misguided. Back in civilization we know our pizza and bagels.
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
Who you calling white? I am middle eastern.
Between Maron and Erik, you’re definitely getting bombed.
Dear government spy programs: despite my name, I am Black. Please do not detain me. Thank you.
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
Oh, right… I’m gonna be bombed before Harith Jameel Abdul Lateef Osama Saddam Bin Ladden Hussein Mohhammed Farakhan Bubba al Khafiz, I don’t think so… this is one time that Operation:Stand Behind The Darkies might work in my favor.
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
Hey, I’m not the one with ties to terrorist organizations, or shouldn’t I mention U.L.T.I.M.A.T.U.M.*?
*Underground Liberated Totally Integrated Mobile Army To Unite Mankind -ed
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
Hey, I’m not the one with ties to terrorist organizations
what do you call UPMC?
or shouldn’t I mention U.L.T.I.M.A.T.U.M.*?
Unite Mankind! we’re a peaceful organization, you see… uh… or something… and you’re not fooling anyone. the only reason you aren’t in is you couldn’t pass the physical.
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
what do you call UPMC?
The Ultimate Plan of Medical Captialists, why? Besides, I’m infiltrating them to fight the forces of VENOM….
the only reason you aren’t in is you couldn’t pass the physical
I had a written excuse from my doctor*, dammit!
*He’s not a real doctor, but he is a real worm; he is an actual worm. -ed
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
world’s evilest worm?
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
He likes to play the drums*.
*Last seen in Two-Fisted Tales of Jameel #344, “I Love Wiki”. -ed
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
Don’t worry, being a White Geek, I got that.
Thank you!
Was it something you would do for anybody? Was it what you’d only do for me?
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
if I’d thought about it for more than 2 seconds, I might have been able to figure it out… but no, I’m not really much of a TMBG fan. And hearing about a worm who was a Dr, I immediately thought of Mr. Mind, who at the time I was thinking was Dr. Mind (probably confusing it in my mind with Dr. Silvana, world’s maddest scientist), who was in fact the world’s evilest worm.
that said… damn crackers….
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
that said… damn crackers….
See, you go disrespecting my Florida heritage, and I’ll call Jeb and make sure none of y’all ever get to vote again…
(I can’t believe he’s actually named Jeb.)
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
it doesn’t matter if I vote or not… you guys will just read the ballots however you want anyway…
and don’t try pull the wool over our eyes, boy… you’re from the banjo playing hick hills of West Virginia, and you know it!
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
I am not bombing anyone. You just think it’s me cause we all look the same to you.
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
is that insult to my chinese heritage?
you go now!
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
I’m sorry, you must have me confused with someone else…
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
What? You have beef? All right, I’ll kick your monkey asses my fucking self.
*fwoomp-fwoomp*
Listen to me, you think I open restaurant in the middle of the hood and don’t know what going on? I fucking represent. I will avenge my brothers my representing and whooping your ass! Ok then, I must show you flying fists of judo. That’s right! You’re just talking, obviously the two of you are just bitch ass niggas. Ok then. all right. This is a chinese restaurant, but like Burger King, have it your way!
*whip-kick* *wha-chunk*
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
Just because he’s a fight choreographer don’t mean he can’t throw down….
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
Sho you right!
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
Thank you.
And, as I have said before, the choreographer always wins.
Always.
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
huh… I thought he was talking about me… well, he’s really talking about Tommy Davidson, but you don’t even have an afro… you should grow one… and get some white girl called “Queen Bee” to hang out with you.
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
Yeah, but I can get an afro (jewfro?) any time I want. Kind of. I’d just have to wait a month or two.
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
bring it on!
then you just have to get Marli or someone to dress up in the Queen Bee outfit. Yummm…
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
Would it involve latex?
We might be able to talk her into it if it involves latex.
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
I am quite fond of Ms. Inthestars in latex. You’ll note that a picture of her as such is on this very background.
But no, the actual Queen Bee didn’t wear latex. She was just a killer kung-fu madame that was friend of Dolemite‘s (The Human Tornado).
latex kung fu
My understanding is that if one is going to do some funky kung fu fighting in latex, one must be painted while in the more extreme positions and then one must let the latex dry while in this position.
While this might make for an interesting picture (or painting), I think having both in latex AND doing kung fu is a tall order.
Though, I understand that a standard laex paint job will also start to come apart during extreme movements, which would also be pretty cool.
We will have to let the lady herself decide.
Re: latex kung fu
One must be painted while in the more extreme positions
well, yes, but if I can hold a backbend for 20 minutes while my stomach’s being painted with tiger stripes, I’m pretty sure I can hold anything.
We will have to let the lady decide herself.
And that, is chivalry. Live and learn,
Re: latex kung fu
oh please… he’s just trying to scam his way into being the one who is doing the painting…
Re: latex kung fu
No my friend, I am the choreographer.
I decide on the positions themselves.
My job rocks.
Re: latex kung fu
then can I paint? Looking vs. touching you see…
wow… I’m at my slimy best today…
Re: latex kung fu
Just remember this is liquid latex, not finger paints.
Re: latex kung fu
teehee… but of course, I know that… you aren’t questioning myh integrity as an artist are you? I’m shocked! shocked I say!
Re: latex kung fu
Naw, he’s just the choreographer. So he just gets to imagine.
On that note, can you imagine if Brandeis combined Liquid Latex with the Cinderella’s Ball: Fetish vs Fantasy Dance?
Re: latex kung fu
yep, and they should add in danceing midgets on bungee cords with pyrotechnics… just cuz that would be like really cool and stuff…
in accordance with the dignity of the graduate theater program
Not imagine, dictate. (“I need less hisss! more mworrr!” has to be one of the best notes I have ever given anyone ever.)
Though I don’t think I could have gotten involved had it been combined with the Cinderella event.
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
kung fu is good.
I am amused that I have been inserted into this idea.
*insert rant on male chauvanists making decisions without consulting the women who are written about, to the tune of No Doubt’s I’m Just a Girl* 😉
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
you can’t possibly just be picking up on the chauvinist thing. Did you not see the the part of this thread that devolved into the discussion of white girls nipples?
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
no actually, my virtual ears simply perked up at the mention of my username, and I followed my burning ears to this thread.
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
really? wow, then its a good thing you didn’t see what we were saying about you in that OTHER thread…. *whew*
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
Be careful Chris, this girl can be brutal.
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
dude… i face last day in less than 96 hours… now is the time to live dangerously…
crouching tiger, hidden maverick
Seeing as how you have both recieved some of the same training (by way of me), this can be very interesting.
Re: crouching tiger, hidden maverick
plot of a bad kung fu movie in the making, right there…
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
Yeah, just today I uh… ummm… filled out some surveys and planned student curriculums very …erm… violently.
I also attempted to reconnect theatre with teaching. Brutally.
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
and that survey will never step out of line again!!!
Enter the Wu-Tang
I see you have lived among the Shaolin.
You fight well in the old style.
But you are no match for my funky phat beats.
*theme music plays*
*beatdown ensues*
Re: Enter the Wu-Tang
Bwahahahaaha!!! ok, you’re certainly approaching honorary negro status.
Re: Enter the Wu-Tang
Oh, snap! Booty-shakin’ Bass!
WARNING: Contains bass that may damage stereo equipment.
Re: Enter the Wu-Tang
Bass! How low can you go? Death Row? What a brotha’ know?
Re: Enter the Wu-Tang
Now you will meet… the bageler.
Re: Enter the Wu-Tang
Now you will meet… the bageler.
Now we shall see… if anyone else gets that reference 😉
Re: Enter the Wu-Tang
yeah… that would be a no…
he’s the leader of the group, transformed from the norm by the nuclear goop
It is the entrance of The Shredder in the first live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.
“You fight Well in the old style… But now you face… The Shredder”
A classic I tell you.
Classic.
Re: he’s the leader of the group, transformed from the norm by the nuclear goop
I thought it was a bagel-themed villain from The Tick or Eek, the Cat….
“Lu Peng! I thought you were dead!” – “Hrmf. I was. I got better.”
Perhaps there is such a character in another storyline.
Those bagels can be lethal i they really do get stale.
Though‘ reference is in fact to TMNT.
“You fight well in the old style” is right up there among classic martial arts movie cheesy lines with “Your kung fu is very good…” “You are nothing without the Green Destiny!” and “this is Hattori Hanzo’s steel.”
Re: he’s the leader of the group, transformed from the norm by the nuclear goop
ah… duh… I actually got the opening part but then didn’t get the Bageler part… *sigh* I was thinking maybe it was a Tick thing too…
Re: he’s the leader of the group, transformed from the norm by the nuclear goop
I must agree, TMNT is highly classic, if only because it is highly highly highly 80s. I could never make a classic movies list for the 80s.
Re: he’s the leader of the group, transformed from the norm by the nuclear goop
uggg… were you even born in the 80s? 😛
Re: he’s the leader of the group, transformed from the norm by the nuclear goop
I am one of the revered classics that emerged from that decade.
Re: Enter the Wu-Tang
Queen Bee!
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
Shh…
My Zionist Masters like for me to keep a low profile.
This journal is due for a complete overhaul. Expect some “editorializing” in the immediate future.
This comment will self destruct.
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
Who you calling white? I am middle eastern. It says so on all my school applications.
Please don’t bomb me…
I do agree with you pizza, people from Chicago are just out of their Jay-Zdamn minds. But I’m sorry… I’m totally lost on the stale donut thing.
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
You must return to the holy city and have them on sacred ground. Often, the bagels lose their lustre when they are in profane lands.
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
dude… its hard bread… let it go…
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
heathen
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
false prophet!
Engine Engine Number Nine…
Beware.
I wonder if I can come in Black Sheep’s clothing.
Re: Engine Engine Number Nine…
Ew.
Re: Engine Engine Number Nine…
Dude.
That is nasty.
I am young and impressionable. Don’t do that to me.
And you knoe I was going in a whole other direction with that.
Re: Engine Engine Number Nine…
Who’s a Black Sheep? What’s a Black Sheep?
Re: Engine Engine Number Nine…
Wonder what can it be?
I make it look easy because it is to me.
Re: Engine Engine Number Nine…
Ah, sweet memories of Black Sheep Squadron.
Re: Engine Engine Number Nine…
John Larroquette was great on that show.
Re: Engine Engine Number Nine…
I hate when i miss references in my own journal…
Re: Engine Engine Number Nine…
what’s that?
Re: Engine Engine Number Nine…
aka “Baa Baa Black Sheep”
short lived (1.5 seasons) TV series about the Black Sheep Squadron stationed in the Solomon Islands in WW2.
Re: Engine Engine Number Nine…
ah… totally separate from the black sheep we were referring to…
you can get with this or you can get with that…
Re: Engine Engine Number Nine…
damn… beat me to it!
Re: Engine Engine Number Nine…
Damn right!
Re: Engine Engine Number Nine…
hey… its not my fault I was in a meeting…
Re: Engine Engine Number Nine…
Meetings are for suckers!
Re: Engine Engine Number Nine…
hey… don’t hate the playa’, hate the game
Re: Engine Engine Number Nine…
Who’s the black sheep, what’s the black sheep
Not knowin’ who I am it’s DLB rippin deep
Re: Do you put soy sauce in your grits?
Does the very good english have an accent?
I dinna ken what yer sayin’ lass…
Well, it can if you want it too.
Damn You.
I wonder if I can get grits in oakland.
Re: Damn You.
Oakland, CA or Oakland down the street from CMU?
Re: Damn You.
The Pittsburgh Oakland where I am stuck in a gritsless office.
Re: Damn You.
hmmm… maybe Pamela’s has them… I dunno.
Re: Damn You.
I usually just make my own… then I eat them with biscuits and syrup and listen to gospel music. Comemin’ fore to carry me home! Mmmmm…
Re: Damn You.
That’s kind of hard to do in my office.
Re: Damn You.
you should get a hot plate!
Re: Damn You.
Angle of grits: not good.
Re: Damn You.
“There are tales of hominy drowned before cooking in butter. Tell me, what do you know of your softening?”
Re: Damn You.
“Lady, they don’t know what to do with an instant me.”
Re: Damn You.
I prefer Posole to Hominy. But then, both rightly have pork products in them. Posole just has more spicyness and by all rights should be made with blue corn.
Grits are good food.
That is all.
(Of course, I was born in Tennessee, so…)
Oddly enough, I have had fantastic grits at a certain diner in Conneticut.
Connecticut? Really? Wow. Then again, I had some pretty good gumbo my last day in Seattle…
Gives me hope for the future, as I prepare to cross the Mason-Dixon line permanently…
I think sometimes it’s a matter of exclusively local ingredients, sometimes it’s about recipe. Bagels outside of the NYC area are not really bagels for instance, but I have had real NY pizza in Buffalo of all places (made by some dude from Brooklyn).
That said, if you can find me a decent haggis outside Scotland, let me know.
I’ll… um… keep an eye out?
Of course I love bagels, ’cause I’m Jewish.
I have recently discovered a love of grits. Love, love, love. In the past I had tried them and didn’t think I liked them. The problem seems that I do not like CHEESE grits. I do not like BUTTER on my grits.
Like oatmeal, I do not like my grits in any sort of “traditional” manner. Like oatmeal, I like to eat it with just salt. And like oatmeal, I can make a meal out of a big, big bowl of it. Well salted.
No Butter? That’s sacrilege! You MUST have butter & bacon, otherwise why bother?
Oh, snap! Mav’s mom caught us!
S’ok… you guys are just making me hungry is all.
so make some grits when you get home… you said you were leaving early anyway
I would do that, but my houseguest is making crablegs for lunch! Crablegs trump grits.
someone is cooking crablegs for you and you’re complaining about not having grits? You’ve got to be kidding.
Not complaining… I said crablegs TRUMP grits… that’s a good thing. Maybe I’ll have grits in the morning though.
oooh! Jameel’s gonna get in trouble! I bet she’s gonna tell your mom on you and then you’re gonna get a belt whuppin’!
I didn’t do nothin’! It was Mav’s fault! I was dead at the time!
all right boys… don’t make me come out there! I WILL bring Earth, Wind & Fire with me.
*stops throwing lawn darts straight up into the air*
I hope by the time I have kids, they start making cool toys like lawn darts again. You ever stand directly under them and watch them spiral as they fall from the sky? It’s awesome, the kids will love it!
See, now, the problem is that our society is producing a generation of weaklings. Anyone who couldn’t dodge that falling lawn dart, avoid choking on the missile from that Colonial Viper, or throw that M-80 before it went off didn’t deserve to breed! The rest of us, the survivors, were faster, stronger, and smarter, dammit!
damn straight dude… if you can’t pass the Darwin test then screw you…
and Gospel music! Grits with butter, bacon and Gospel music on the kitchen radio on a Sunday morning. And Red Koolaid to drink. Not cherry! Red! Cuz “red” is a flavor, dammit.
I never got the cheese thing. I think its abother of those white things I just don’t get. And its not just that I don’t like cheese much either. We had tons of cheese in the hood (came in a big solid block from the gov’ment) and we never used it in grits. But you can’t just eat them plain with salt. Grits proper don’t really have a taste, so you need to add something to them for flavoring. Something like BACON! Grits are nothing but a vehicle for bacon. That’s the traditional way of eating them from ghettos across America.
I just remembered! You need a piece of jelly toast to sop up the errant grains of grits. Just in case you don’t have any buscuits, that is. yummmmmmmmm
Shabbat Shalom Motherfucker!
Grits are nothing but a vehicle for bacon.
There you go again trying to keep the Jewish man down.
Re: Shabbat Shalom Motherfucker!
I <3 kosher bacon.
Re: Shabbat Shalom Motherfucker!
I’ve never had it with grits, but my gut inclination is to denounce the whole concept. God wants you to enjoy food. Soul is a hamhock in your corn flakes. And we all know that some bacon fat really brings out the flavor in crunchberries.
Re: Shabbat Shalom Motherfucker!
you heretics and you’re wacky diets…
I don’t dig on swine
Pig’s a filthy animal.
I don’t eat filthy animals.
But as a chinaman, you wouldn’t necessarily understand the wisdom of Samuel L Jackson.
Re: I don’t dig on swine
sure I do, but that wasn’t actually Samuel L. Jackson, you see… that was a character in a movie
performative mediation of character and identity
As the actor is the mediating device through which character is communicated to the spectators (Ubersfeld) and taking into account that the performer in character is not not the character but is also not not themselves (Schechner) though you may deduce that it wasn’t actually Samuel L Jackson, it also wasn’t actually not Samuel L Jackson, which, by application of formal logic may entail that it actually was, performatively speaking, Samuel L Jackson who declared the filthy nature of swine.
The greater unanswered question however, is if that resturant was not held up, whether or not grits would have arrived, and if, had they arrived, they would have contained bacon, or rather if John Travolta (see above) would have had bacon in his potential grits.
Re: performative mediation of character and identity
don’t make me get all existensial on your ass…
Re: performative mediation of character and identity
How can you be sure my ass is even there if you’re getting all existential?
Re: performative mediation of character and identity
ah… see that’s the great thing about existensialism, the presence of your ass or lack thereof is not necessarilly required for the purpose of me getting existential on it.
Re: performative mediation of character and identity
To this I quote the great sage, existantialist, and strategist, Mr. Miyagi, who said, “Best defense, don’t be there.”
Re: performative mediation of character and identity
or also, his other sage advice “wax on, wax off”
Re: performative mediation of character and identity
Hey, the waxing technique is actually pretty badass.
Re: performative mediation of character and identity
well, I did say it was sage advice.
i make them
hey i’m a white girl(actually half spanish) but i love love love grits! bacon fat in grits yum! i make the best grits ever baby!!!!
Re: i make them
yeah, I don’t quite get why he said I go out of my way… Its not out of my way at all… 🙂
Re: i make them
hey i’m a white girl
Kryptonite*! Losing… willpower…
(actually half spanish)
*gasp* Hispanic Kryptonite! Each one has a random, deadly effect on me! ARGH! Pants… tightening!
*See The Official Handbook of the Jameel Universe -ed.
Re: i make them
dude… you’re not supposed to explain your weakness to them, have you ever even read a comic book?
Re: i make them
One would think he wants to lose.
Kinky.
Or something.
Re: i make them
pervert!
I am shocked… shocked I say! Its as though you’re implying fornication or something… SINNER!!!
Re: i make them
Its as though you’re implying fornication or something…
One can only hope.
Re: i make them
I am shocked… Shocked, I say! My virgin ears have never heard such filth!
Re: i make them
Dude, those were totally thought bubbles.
Re: i make them
dude…. don’t you know that hot girls have like super hot girl telepathy? they can read your mind when you think about sex… you have to be careful…
Re: i make them
they can read your mind when you think about sex…
Uh, oh….