BS in Mackology: The science of flirting.

Still no real update, but I was inspired to repost this after a conversation with monkey587 earlier tonight. I originally wrote this for Epinions back in August of ’01. Originally written, I believe, for marmal8 and jameel, then shared with the world of epinions and now the world of livejournal. Hopefully it can help someone out there who is having trouble clockin’ da hos.

BS in Mackology: The science of flirting.

When I was but a wee lad, there was a “special” assembly. You know the one, they took all the girls to the cafeteria to show a movie that explains menstrual periods and how you can get pregnant from skinny dipping and they take all the boys to the gymnasium and show a video that explains STDs and tells them that masturbation will make hair grow on their palms… that assembly.

What you probably didn’t know, though was that we didn’t all go to those assemblies. A select few of us, the alphas, the chosen ones, were pulled aside. We were given the chance of a lifetime. We were given the chance to instead study the art of the Mack Daddy. And we learned at the feet of the master. The Daddy of the Macks. The Doctor of Style, himself. The Love Child of the original Playa’. Professor William “Billy Lee” Williams, Ph.D. Or as he was more casually known in private circles, Buddy Love.

I studied hard under the tutelage of Billy Lee, and though I never achieved his complete and total mastery of mackology (the science of “clockin’ da hos”), I did learn a valuable lesson or two that has stayed with me my entire life. In later years I began to T.A. for Billy Lee’s classes, and became quite familiar with the material. And, because I feel the world is ready for it, I have decided to share my knowledge in this very forum. You lucky people.

Please note, that the information found below, while possibly useful is going to be greatly colored by not only my own sense of humor, but also quite possibly by the malcontent-pompous-possibly-even-mean-tempered-but-at-the-same-time-totally-effective-because-of-the-power-of-buddy-love’s-own-oozing-machismo-raw-sexual-magnitude-and-undeniable-animal-magnitism-that-inbues-it truth of the words that I learned from William “Billy Lee” Williams, Ph.D. himself. If you are likely to be offended by such things, I’ll understand if you choose to not read it. Simply scroll to the bottom and click that there “Most Helpful” button and move on with your life. For the rest of you, I welcome you to a new world. A world which will free your mind. A world where your @$$ will follow. The world of the Mackdaddy. The world Billy Lee Williams.

The world of Buddy Love.

Mackin 101: Introduction to Confidence

Billy Lee was the Playa’s Son
And when he’d go out mackin’
I’d come along
When he walked, looked like he’s limpin’
But Billy said that its called pimpin’
And when the girls looked in his eyes
They were his to my surprise.

I know you’ve heard it all before, young man. But that’s because its the truth. Sometimes we call it attitude. Sometimes we call it chutzpah. It doesn’t matter what you call it, confidence is important.

To the true playa’, confidence serves multiple purposes. The first is confidence for confidence sake. Let’s face it. You’re a loser. Don’t take it personally, young man. Lots of people are losers. If you weren’t a loser, you wouldn’t be sitting at a computer reading dating advice on the internet, you’d be out there clockin’ da hos, like me, Buddy Love. But you don’t do that. You know why? Let Billy Lee tell you why. It’s because you’re ascared, young man. That’s right. You is afraid of rejection.

Confidence will help you work through that $#!+. Young lady, lets say you see this fine looking gentleman over here. Look at him, he’s got a nice smile, his hair is combed all nice. He’s lookin’ kinda fine, right? So do you ask him out?

NO!

Why? Cuz he might say no. See. Rejection! Now look at it when I do it. I see a fine woman and I ask her out, cuz I’m not worried about what she’ll say. You know why? Cuz she’ll say yes. Why? Because I’m Buddy Looovvvveee!

Ok, so you’re just a freshman. You haven’t quite mastered the art of the mackdaddy, like Billy Lee. You know what’s gonna happen. She might say no. And you’ll be crushed. But not if you learn confidence.

But there is another aspect of confidence. Confidence is like the ultimate aphrodisiac, young lady. That’s right. Confidence is attractive. Chicks dig confidence. Dudes dig confidence. Say too young men walk up and ask you to dance. One just asks nicely and politely, and the other is shaking, squirming and sweating like he’s had to use the bathroom for the last three hours. Which one do you pick, young lady? That’s right… confidence.

The trick is you need to become comfortable with yourself. You need to believe in yourself. You need to get some self-esteem for your self, young man. You need to be Buddy Love. (Mav’s note: no one can be Buddy Love. Just believe in yourself as much as you can) Once you believe your heart that you are worthwhile, no one can take that away from you. Rejection won’t bother you. And once you aren’t afraid of rejection anymore, believe it or not, you won’t get rejected as much. Mr. Maverick, if you would be so kind, please pass out the homework to the class.

Homework: Go to a bar or other hang out spot (coffeehouse or pub for instance). It should be cozy sit-down establishment, with lots of single people, but not a dedicated singles joint. Do not go to a bar where you are a regular. Take a platonic friend. Preferably one of the same gender as you are. (Opposite gender if you are homosexual). This should be a person you are comfortable with. Locate two reasonably attractive but definitely not dating each other people of the opposite gender (or same, if you are gay… you get the point) who look like they are having a private but not too serious conversation. Have the waitress take each of them a drink on your tab, with a note that says “Hello, please don’t take this as a pick-up or anything like that, I just thought you were attractive and wanted to buy you a drink. Thank you for making my day.” That’s it. Don’t go over there. Don’t try to talk to them. Just finish your meal, and talk to your friend. If they come over to your table or they ask you to join them, by all means do so. But don’t hit on them. Just accept it for what it is. A nice friendly gesture. If they don’t ask to talk to you, that’s fine too. You just took your first step in building confidence.

Mackin 211: Fundamental Structures of Digits and First Presentations

The only one who could ever reach me
Was the son of the playa’ man
The only boy who could ever teach me
Was the son of the playa’ man
Yes he was, yes he was
Oh, yes he was.

So you know about confidence, right young man? You think you’re ready to go out there and meet all the pretty ladies? Wrong. You don’t know nothing yet. As important as confidence is, it’s not the only thing that matters. You need to look good, young man. You need to look like Buddy Loooovee.

You’re a human being, young lady. That means you like to look good. All people do. We like looking good, and we like to look at good looking people. Don’t tell me I’m wrong. Billy Lee is only telling the truth. The true playa knows how to dress for success. What’s the cut of a woman without a pump on feet.

I know what you’re thinkin’, “Professor Williams we can’t be a pretty as you!” Well, that’s true. But you don’t have to be. Everybody looks attractive in their own way. Now, me I’m naturally good looking, I got the good hair, the good eyes, and the body that women die for. Plus I wear ultra fly white tailored suits like this one. Armani, young man. But you don’t need to be perfect like me. Anyone can look good. There are two steps.

Step one. Be clean. Shower, smell nice, comb your hair. It doesn’t matter what style you are gonna wear, but make it look like you took some time putting it together, young man. I don’t care if Humphrey Bogart or Billy Idol. Put some effort into your appearance, don’t just fall into whatever clothes happen to be next to your bed. Try and make ’em match. Tell a story with your clothes. Express yourself. Different people have different likes. If someone can look at you and get a sense of your personality, then they’ll know to talk to you if they are into you and to avoid you if they are not. Dressing right does half the work for you.

Step Two. Work what you got! Find something nice about how you look and dress in a way to emphasize that. Pick a color that makes your skin look nice. Wear make-up that emphasizes your eyes if they are pretty. If you have nice hair, young man, then don’t wear a hat. If you think you have nice legs, young lady, then wear a shorter skirt. Mr. Maverick, you have nice arms, young man. Start wearing short sleeves. Let the ladies see them. Don’t try to be something you aren’t. Make sure you are comfortable in the clothes you pick. But pick clothes that make people notice you. That’s what being attractive means. Make a good first impression.

Ok, now that you’re all pretty. Now you need to go out and meet someone. Test it out. You want to know the secret? There isn’t one. I’m Buddy Love, the ladies just like me. Just go out there, and strike up a conversation with someone who looks about as pretty as you. Use that new confidence. You know how to talk. Talk. Hang out for a while and have a conversation, if things aren’t going anywhere, no biggie take your confidence and move on to the next person. If they are, then have a good time and after awhile inform the person that you enjoy talking to them and get the digits, playa’. Mr. Maverick, give the class their homework.

Homework: Look in the mirror. Find something you think is nice about yourself and go out and buy an outfit that accentuates that thing. I personally like to wear tight shirts in blue or black that accentuate my arms, and tight jeans that show off my butt. The object here is to pick clothing that you think makes you look attractive. Pick clothing that makes you think, “People are gonna see me and think I’m hot.” Pick clothing that makes you feel confident. Then, much like in the confidence workshop, go to a bar or other hang-out spot, and meet someone. Feel free to use the drink trick from earlier, but this time ask if you can talk to the person you buy the drink for, or if you’re feeling very confident ask someone to dance. Or perhaps, just ask if you can sit next to an attractive person who is sitting alone. If you strike out, just move on. Maybe find someone else. Maybe come back another day. If things go well, hang out for a while and let the person know that you enjoy hanging out with them. Ask if you can call them sometime.

Mackin 312: Joint Social Activities Between Two Parties for Mutual Amusement

Dating girls isn’t ever simple
No matter how hard you try
But once you learn to sweettalk them though
Everything will go and turn all right
I swear everything is gonna go all right
And you’re gonna get that kiss goodnight

I know what a lot of you are thinking. A lot of you young men and women are thinking, Mr. Williams, dressing nice and all is good, but what am I gonna say once I am sitting there talking to someone. Let me tell you.

The first thing a lot of you are thinking of is using a line. Let Billy Lee tell you something, young man. Lines don’t work. What does work is humor, intelligence and charm. You don’t however need lines. The true playa’ doesn’t rely on lines, he simply lets his personality flow.

By now, you’re a confidence master, so you can feel secure in yourself enough to be honest. To talk freely. When I see a fine woman, do you know what I tell her, young man? I say “Damn, you is one fine looking woman.” That’s a compliment. That’s charm. That’s Buddy Loooovvve. (Mav’s Note: Only Buddy Love possesses the pure animal magnetism to make that compliment work, try to be more subtle.)

Use your confidence, young lady. Be your charming self. The last thing you want to do is perpetrate. If you’re with someone who doesn’t like the real you, then you’re with the wrong person. Move along. There are other fish in the sea. The worse thing you can do is end up stuck with some good lookin’ person who doesn’t like the same things as you. Be up front, be honest. If you are looking for a serious relationship, don’t hide that. If you looking for a single night of hot sweaty monkey sex, then let that be known too. Don’t force your wants on someone just make sure that you are into the same things. Take it from Billy Lee, this will save a lot of pain and lawsuits later down the line.

Homework: Learn to be charming in all of your social interactions, romantic and otherwise. Learn to be social and friendly. Practice using your wit in all casual conversation. Learn to compliment people. Many people are afraid that by complimenting people they will seem forward. Try not to be crude or crass, but compliment things you admire in others. If you think about it, you can probably come up with a charming way to say almost anything. Don’t comment on how nice a woman’s breasts look, tell her how wonderful she looks in her blouse. With men it’s a little easier. Most men don’t mind being complimented on physical attributes. But use your judgement. The point of complimenting people is making them feel comfortable, not scaring them. Tell people what they want to hear, but only do it honestly.

Mackin 427: Oral Fluid Mechanics and Dynamics Workshop

The only one who could ever reach me
Was the son of the playa’ man
The only boy who could ever teach me
Was the son of the playa’ man
Yes he was, yes he was
Oh, yes he was.

Awww silky silky now! That’s right, now we are getting down to business. Now up until now, everything you have learned here has been geared towards flirting. Everything Billy Lee has taught you works just as well getting friends as it does getting lovers. This is where those paths diverge. Let me rap to the fellas a little bit here. Young ladies, you can pay attention to, cuz the information can be applied to your playa’ game as well.

Now fellas, you’ve all been there. You know the game. There’s this fine honey that you been sweatin’. You take her out. You treat her right. You do all you can for her, and then that day comes along and you hear it. The Brother Speech. You know the one, she’ll say to you, “Chris,” or whatever your name is, “you’re so wonderful. I wish I could meet a guy just like you. You’re just like a big brother.” Kiss of Death.

See, here’s the deal, young man. People like nice people. They like people they can relate to. They like people they can grow to love. And when it comes down to it, whether they want to admit it or not, everyone like to get down and get busy. What people don’t like is to get busy with their family. Now, if you’re lucky enough to be in West Virginia, this might not apply. But for the rest of us, being compared to a sibling means you ain’t getting none. So how do we avoid this?

In every potentially romantic relationship, there comes a time, that I like to refer to as the golden moment. This is the moment of truth. This is the point, where you find out if you are gonna be getting busy with someone, or you are gonna end up being the guy without a date at her wedding. You with me young man? When this moment occurs, you have to seize it. You’ve spent the evening together, you’ve had fun, and you’re really digging each other. Then there is this special moment. This moment where for a fleeting second, the object of your affections is thinking “Billy Lee sure is nice. Maybe there is something between us.” This is the moment you must become Buddy Loooovee! Grab that honey and make with the tongue massaging.

(Mav’s Note: Lacking the raw animal magnetism of Buddy Love, I have found that it is often advisable to take a more subtle approach. Every golden moment is different. Some people want to be attacked, pinned down and kissed. Some people want to be surprised with a quick peck. Some people want to just fall into a mutual slow but timid first kiss. With my current girlfriend Stephanie, I noticed the moment and asked her if it would be ok if I kissed her, that was the right move for us at that time. Identifying the right way to perform the kiss is just as important as identifying the golden moment. Pay very close attention in the getting to know you phase of the relationship and you’ll know what is right for that person.)

Homework: Think back and identify six people you have been attracted to. Three that you have kissed and three that you haven’t. Try to figure out what happened just before the moment that you kissed the first three people. Try to figure out how you knew it was time (or how they knew if they kissed you). Try to figure out what was the right way to perform the kiss. Now try to figure out what went wrong with the other three. Did you miss a golden moment? Maybe a nice hug? Maybe a moment of mutual laughter? Did you see a moment and chicken out? Maybe a night of drinking? Maybe a game of strip poker? Why? What kind of kiss should you have given?

Graduate Mackin 792: Theory and Practice of the Psychology of Flirtatious Actions Seminar

How well I remember
The look that was in their eyes
When Billy gave them a surprise
Takin’ time to woo them
Make them appreciate him
I used to be afraid to be flirty
Till I learned it wasn’t dirty

(Mav’s Note: Buddy Love has left the building, this is me speaking again)
Years after studying under Billy Lee, I began to formulate many theories about the nature of flirting Not everyone can be Billy Lee Williams, and in truth, obviously, not everyone should be. But deep inside of all that oozing machismo, there were some really important lessons to be learned; ones that I have had the opportunity to ruminate over and refine over the years.

Billy Lee was trying to teach us (in his obviously, somewhat eccentric way) the value of being socially outgoing. Not everyone has to be Buddy Love, but there is definitely some value to the lessons that he teaches.

This epinions category is named “How to Show Affection.” Everyone wants affection. Everyone needs affection. Everyone likes getting affection. But, the operative word here is “show”. Many of us don’t know how to show affection. Showing affection involves actions. It means doing something. It means communicating how you feel. Buddy’s first lesson was “Confidence”. Without the confidence to speak your mind and your heart, no one will ever truly know how you feel. Deep down, we all know that, and we admire that. That’s why confidence is such a turn on (as Billy Lee pointed out). Obviously, this can be overdone. One can be overbearing. But the art of being a playa’ (as Billy Lee would say) is in tempering this. Find that happy medium. Find the place that works for you. Just remember, you can’t flirt if you can’t communicate. You can’t tell anyone how you feel if you can’t speak up. Confidence is the first thing that must be built.

I’d also like to underscore the importance of appearance. In a fantasy world that many of us like to believe in, looks don’t matter. However as I stated elsewhere (my well received Barbie article, if you have never read it), that fantasy world doesn’t exist. There are two reasons to make ourselves attractive. One if confidence. Most of us like to look good. We might say we don’t care, but if we didn’t, we wouldn’t bathe. We wouldn’t change clothes, we wouldn’t even buy different clothes.. We’d just get whatever fit comfortably and not think about it. But we do. We like to make statements with our clothing and make-up and hair. We like to tell people something about ourselves with our appearance. We feel more comfortable when we subconsciously think we are getting that message across. More confident. Secondly, people respond better to attractiveness. Not just physical beauty, but attractiveness. When we first meet someone, we have no background knowledge of them, so all we have to work with are the subtle cues of the message they have given us with their appearance. That’s what we mean when we say first impression. Studies show, that attractiveness seems to inspire trust and comfort. Now things get tricky here, since different people find different things attractive. But, in general, one can expect more acceptance from someone who is into the appearance that you present than someone who isn’t.

Those are the fundamentals. The theory behind flirting. The practice is somewhat harder. It comes with, well… practice. I flirt all the time. It’s just me. Whether I am in a relationship or not, I flirt. Billy Lee Williams was the walking, breathing embodiment of flirtation. Do you have to be one of us? No. The secret to success with flirting is quality not quantity. And quality only comes with practice. Try the homework assignments. Become comfortable with your own personality. Become comfortable with expressing yourself. Learn to do this in every situation. The secret to flirting isn’t lines. It isn’t how many numbers you get, or how many notches in your bed post. The secret is developing a personality that inspires others to want to be social with you. You will become much better at this if you work on it all the time. Very subtly. Be charming around your platonic friends, regardless of their gender or your interest in them. Learn to compliment people that you think deserve a compliment, not just on how they look, but when they do something particularly nice for you. Learn to be comfortable with yourself and with others and the rest should just fall into place.

Alternatively, you can work out for 8 hours a day 7 days a week, and wear scandalously revealing clothing, and maybe start using steroids or get breast implants, and the suitors will probably just flock to you. But I like my method better. 🙂

The only one who could ever reach me
Was the son of the playa’ man
The only boy who could ever teach me
Was the son of the playa’ man
Yes he was, yes he was
Oh, yes he was.

—-
About the Authors:

Chris Maverick graduated with Honors from William “Billy Lee” Williams’ program, and went on to flirt with literally thousands of people. He currently resides in Pittsburgh, Pa where he lives happily with his girlfriend of 6 years, Stephanie, but still practices his flirting every chance he gets.

William “Billy Lee” Williams, AKA “Buddy Love” continues to travel the world preaching his message to his millions of followers. His current whereabouts are unknown, but one can be sure that on any given night wherever he may be, he is “still clockin’ da hos.”