Once upon a time, in fact, just under 2 years ago, I made reference to the fact that I understood why a 14 year old girl would want to fuck R. Kelly.. I never really got into why though. And really, I haven’t much thought about R. in the intervening time. But today, while driving to Loews to get some supplies for the perpetual rebuilding of my house, I was listening to the radio when WAMO decided to drop the new R. Kelly track, Trapped In the Closet (Chapter 1 of 5). Listening to it, I almost died.
You know what it is that I like about R? It’s the honesty. Pure and unapologetic. R. Kelly knows what he is and doesn’t care. I think that’s the appeal. The 14 year old girl is a sexual creature. But she isn’t allowed to be. We expect it of the 14 year old boy, his hormones are out of control. Hopefully he’ll release some of that aggression on the football field or something. But the 14 year old girl, well, hopefully going to church and maybe a good hobby will help her keep her legs closed. Perhaps some home economics? Maybe needlepoint? Oh, how about cooking? How could a young impressionable girl get in trouble baking cookies in her own kitchen. And that’s where it happens. Sweet little Cindy Lou is over there minding her own business and stirring the a bowl of cookie dough, when here comes R. Kelly singing a song telling her exactly how he’s gonna fuck her in that very kitchen. And there you go, she’s having fantasies. By chance she meets R. one day, and BAM! She just can’t help herself. It might not just happen. Maybe Cindy Lou is a good girl. She does try so hard to be good. But then R. hits her up with a little taste of the remix. Poor Cindy Lou doesn’t stand a chance. Her hymen explodes right there, and she is overcome with her carnal urges. And R? He’s only human. What’s he to do? He’s there watching a young girl’s sudden blossoming into womanhood right there before him. Like watching the Quickening! We shouldn’t condemn R. for the 20-some-odd underaged girls he’s had sex with. We should congratulate him on the thousands he has successfully resisted.
But this new song, trapped in the closet. I’m liking this. It shows growth on R’s part. Like all good artists, R. tells a story with his work. But for so long he’d been stuck on the same story. R. Kelly tells you there’s nothing wrong with fucking a 14 year old girl.. Here is how you fuck a 14 year old girl in a car. Here is how you fuck a 14 year old girl in the kitchen. Here is how you fuck 14 year old girl in a hotel. Nobody has to know you’re fucking a 14 year old girl. But not this time. This song isn’t about fucking. This song is about the morning after you fucked some girl who’s name you don’t remember. R. has grown as an artist. Furthermore, carefully listening to the lyrics, you’ll find that R. has grown as a human being. This girl isn’t fourteen. No no no, R. explicitly points out that not only is this girl legal, she’s actually married. The message of the song? Ain’t nothin wrong with a little bump ‘n grind with some girl you don’t know, just try not to fall asleep and stay over, and if you do, make sure you have your gun just in case you have to hide in the closet when her husband comes home and he finds you there. How awesome is that? Sleep with underaged girls, have an affair with a married woman, cheat on your wife. Write songs about it!
I can’t believe this idiot gets any pussy at all.
And yet he does. Why? Because there’s nothing on this earth so sexy as a dumbass celebrity. Paris Hilton has taught us that you don’t need talent, all you need is the a penchant for being slutty and a history of making very poor judgement calls. Maybe that’s what kept me from being famous. I was plenty slutty, I had no remarkable talents, but I was just too damn smart. Damn I have the worst luck. Seriously though, a new question in my on-going investigation on what makes someone attractive. We’ve talked about the appeal of the bad boy, and the pretty boy. We’ve talked about hot vs. cute. This time I am wondering about the appeal of stupid. I think probably most of my readers are likely to say that stupidity is a turn off. But really, think about it? Is there anything appealing about a dumb girl or guy? While writing this, I saw a commercial for TrimSpa, with Anna Nicole Smith, I actually had the briefest fleeting “damn, I’d do her” thought before being repulsed by the simpleton personality she exhibits when she speaks. So yeah, she may not be my type, but Anna is popular. She is a sex symbol. As are Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, and Fabio. So is there something hot about being dumb? Or can you just be so hot that its easy to overlook dumb?
Or is it just ok to want to have sex with 14 year old girls and then pee on them?
Well, the easiest conclusion to come to is that it’s about your own ego. A stupid person might be impressed by all the things you know that they don’t, and which smart people will be way past caring about. Sometimes, less intelligent people around you make you feel smarter, and so better about yourself?
Of course, the easiest conclusion is not necessarily the right one. First thing I can think of that makes sense, though.
To me, though, this would get rather boring rather quickly.
I never understood the Keanu Reaves thing. He seems dumber than a rock and I just can’t think he’s atrractive.
ooh, yeah. Keanu is definitely another good example. I was having trouble coming up with a more classic modern example than Fabio.
Well, I was thinking the theory was more that they’d be easy. If you’re hot, then one would expect you’re good in bed, and if you’re not to bright, then one would guess you’re probably easy to get into bed. As well as easy to get to do random other stuff that I want. *shrug* just a theory.
Stupid is a major turn-off, but, sometimes, my groin disagrees.
that’s my point… “your minds telling you no, but your body… your body’s telling you yessssssss-ah! You don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump-n-grind…”
The question is why?
Does that mean you’re attracted to R. Kelly?
Brother J don’t swing that way.
yeah steph… shhhhh… he’s trying to keep it on the Down Low.
I will kill you to death.
dude… I’m trying to defend you. There’s nothing wrong with your lifestyle. I mean, why you’d want that man to pee on you, I’ll never understand. But who am I to judge?
well, if you know anyone who exhibits the persona of a 14 year old girl…
intelligence is the number one thing that attracts me to a person. so, i don’t understand the whole dumb=sexy thing. at all.
but is lack of intelligence a deal breaker? If a guy is stupid, but cute and sweet and whatnot and perfect in every other way, do you still pass him up? What about for non relationships? Is Fabio “doable” despite his apparent total lack of intelligence, personality or any substance whatsoever other than his abs?
Fabio’s hair is the real deal-breaker.
well, what about Keanu (as suggested by above)? I only picked Fabio because I was having a hard time coming up with a good example of a classic sexy dumb guy.
Keanu? I’d probably hit that.
ok… really? Why? (this is not smartassy, or not meant to be, anyway…) but my point being, he certainly comes across as “dumb guy” so is that attractive and does it just not bother you? And in either case, why?
Well, to be honest, Keanu’s not really my type and I wasn’t planning on having a conversation with him. It’s not the dumbness that makes him attractive. It’s the bragging rights. Hitting the Keanu just has more cultural value than hitting Fabio or Ron Jeremy.
Naturally, given the choice, I’d prefer Jude Law, because he has the accent. Which is not to say that he’s smart (I don’t know either way on any of these guys), but he does have the accent.
what is it with chicks and accents anyway? I mean, does it really make that much difference how he sounds? It won’t make him any smarter. It won’t make him any nicer. It won’t make him any better in bed. It just makes him sound funny. So why is that hot?
The Eroticization of the Other.
‘Nuff said.
which for the non geeky LCS types like ourselves means: People different than us are exciting!
yeah, I can buy that.
yes, lack of intelligence is a deal breaker. friendship-wise, it’s acceptable. for the record, i wouldn’t really find fabio to be “doable” even if he were einstein. but say some random attractive jude law look-alike for a one night stand that was rock stupid? no. i still couldn’t do it. for the record i sat here for a good fifteen minutes thinking about it. i guess maybe i’m some kind of snob.
Yeah, I wasn’t specifically picking Fabio. I just needed an example. But ok, you gave it decent thought. I appreciate that. So the question is why? I mean, I know my why. Basically, its because I’ve learned that there is nothing so annoying as sitting around naked with somene you really can’t stand to be around. So unless you can totally make them vanish right after the fact, there is going to be some annoyance. And who wants their afterglow ruined like that?
i totally read “vanish” as “varnish” and i was confused.
but,it’s pretty much for me to even really be attracted to someone, they have to wow me, intellectually. otherwise i’m just not interested. even if it’s just sex.
dude… you haven’t tried varnish sex? its so hot… uh, or something…
ok, so how do you account for Jude and Angelina and whoever else that you find attractive but you don’t know? Is it just that you imagine them as being intelligent? Are you basing it on the parts they’ve played? Or the fact that they just don’t come across as completely incompetent like say Keanu or Paris?
well, with jude and angelina, it’s pretty much just a physical attracton. i’m not saying that i can’t find a person attractive at all, unless they’re really smart. it’s just for anything to ever happen with someone, there’d have to be a spark of intellect. also, if what i read and see in interviews is to be believed, they both seem to be reasonably intelligent.
as far as the accent thing; it’s because it’s something diffrent. it lends an air of mystery. that’s always exciting.
gotcha, well I hope for your sake next week jude and angelina co-author a paper on particle physics and then come knocking on your door.
that’s the nicest thing anybody’s ever said to me.
You know me… anything to spread a little sunshine in people’s day.
wow… good thind I didn’t add Liv Tyler and Liev Schreiber. You might have exploded.
To quote my good friend, ” I’d never let a little dumb get in the way of a lot of hot.”
What it comes down to is what you are looking for. If you want the relationship to last about 45 mintues and be mostly horizontal, then how inteligent they are doesn’t play into it. If you are looking to get to know someone, then dumb as a stick ain’t gunna cut it.
Just cuz someone is brutally stupid doesn’t mean they don’t take a nice photo.
So you’re saying, stupidity isn’t attractive, but for a one-night-stand, its not a deal breaker, either? See, I dunno… as colored as my past is, I haven’t ever had a pure sexual only 45 minute, in and out and never see them again experience, or maybe I’d feel different. Even one-night-stands tend to last at least a few hours. And the sex is only a part of that, generally you have to spend some time interacting both before and after, and there needs to be a certain amount of intelligence to not get on my nerves during that time.
I think my point is that physical attractiveness is what most people react to first, and if they react strongly enough to it, then they are willing to not care about the other traits. This is why they make people look “physically attractive” in ads instead of “smart.” Sex sells, not brains.
yeah, I’ll definitely buy into that. But my problem is, when I see a print ad of say this girl:
I can just look at her and say “wow, she’s hot.” I have no idea who she is. She’s the image on the front page of Victoria’s Secret‘s website right now. She’s a blank slate of just some nice hair, and a plunging neckline. Woohoo! Boobies! and all that. But when I look at say an Anna Nicole, a Jessica Simpson or an R. Kelly or a Fabio, then suddenly there is baggage. I don’t think anyone anywhere actually thinks Anna Nicole Smith is smart. And being stupid is like Jessica Simpson’s whole gimmick. So why can we overlook the stupid and get back to the base “wow, those are some nice tits” that we can with the anonymous model?
See, it’s easy to say “I am not into Jessica Simpson cuz she is dumb” because we aren’t interracting with her and thus there is no chance of it going any further than us judging from afar. With the detachment from the situation, we are able to “level” the playing field by finding a flaw in something beautiful. But if Jessica is at a party and comes up to you and starts flirting, I am willing to bet that her stupidity is alot less annoying.
oh, totally. See, I totally acknowledge that I’d do her. I mean, look at her. I don’t know that I’d date her for an extended period of time (of course, she can’t possibly be as dumb as she comes across on TV. I mean, her higher motor functions do appear to work). But I’d totally drool all over her at a Jammy Jam or something.
I personally do not think that men are attractive if they’re dumb. It could be a turn off, but on the other hand, I don’t think I’d ever date someone much smarter than me. (And NO I’m not saying my bf is dumb.) Any very very smart guy i know always feels the need to correct everyone. Smart people like that are just annoying.
I can see why guys would be attracted to dumb girls though. I guess dumb girls are cute – to a point.
I don’t know, I think that any really smart person would realize they’re being annoying when they correct people and wouldn’t do it to that point.
I get what you mean. I was thinking of two boys from my high school that got a 1600 on their SATs. They’re the most annoying people ever because of how much they correct others or the massive amount of information they need to add to everything.
ah hah…. but technically you were correcting her right there… 😉
nah, you’re just saying he’s dumber than you are. 😀
hmmm… ok, so why do you think that dumb girls can be cute?
This is just a theory, but if the girl is ditzy or dumb maybe subconsciously the guy will feel superior? I don’t know. Dumb girls are just more acceptable than dumb guys. I don’t know why
I think the perceived attractiveness of someone changes depending on their intelligence, at least for me. If they’re interesting, you can look past imperfections, even redefine them as cute. If they come across as a total dumbass when you talk to them, you start to notice anything that’s wrong with them physically, as well as intellectually.
At least, that’s how it works for me.
(On the subject of R.Kelly, though, I find it a mystery why people think his songs are sexy. That kitchen song? So, so unsexy. He’s got a good voice and all, but the lyrics — ugh.)
heh, you think the kitchen song is unsexy, wait til you here the new joint. If I didn’t know better, I’d totally think it was an SNL skit that was going on 2 minutes too long. Its totally ridiculous. The only thing that makes it funny is that it isn’t supposed to be a joke. He’s seriously trying to write a song there.
Dumb is definitely a turn-off for me. Even extremely good-looking dumb guys just don’t do anything for me. I can be attracted to them initially, but if I find I can’t have an intelligent conversation with someone, the most aesthetically pleasing appearance possible doesn’t mean squat.
Eye candy really isn’t much more than eye candy to me, I guess.
And, quite frankly, I never really thought Fabio was even that good-looking.
Hmmm, so how dumb is too dumb? If these things can even be quantified?
You know my contempt for stupidity…
… ignorance can be excused; there is no excuse for stupidity. R. Kelly must be the most stupid “artist” out there; proven by this very song. I intend to do a survey of girls aged 12 – 16 (the “B” Girls), I’ll let you know their opinions. I’ll be very disappointed if they find the R. Kelly of this song the least bit desirable.
Re: You know my contempt for stupidity…
Survey completed… 5 females. 5 questions: 1. Have you heard the song? 2. Did you like the song? 3. Do you like R. Kelly? 4. Hot or Not?
Female age 12: 1) Yep 2) No opinion 3) Don’t really listen to him 4) Don’t even know what he looks like
Female age 14: 1) Yes 2) Like it 3) Like him, but don’t know why 4) He’s ok, I guess
Female age 16: 1) Yes 2) Like it 3) Like his music 4) NO he’s not Hot!
Female age 30-40: 1) Yes 2) Song is a trip – strange story to make a song about 3) Used to like him, but lost respect 4) NOT
Female age 30-40: 1) Yes 2) Hate it, must be really desparate for song ideas 3) Like some of his music, some not so much 4) Definitely Not
Thankfully none of them thought he was Hot; I’ll leave any other interpretations to you.
Re: You know my contempt for stupidity…
gotta worry about the 14 year old “not knowing why” she likes him… And then the saying “he’s ok, I guess.” That’s a seed of doubt if I ever heard one. I’m telling you, there’s something to my sexual repression of the young girls theory up there. I’m not saying its a bad thing for her to be repressed. I’m just saying keep her the hell away from R.
Did you actually tell them why you were asking them the questions?
Re: You know my contempt for stupidity…
Only told the adults and not until after I asked the questions. I must say that I agree with you about the 14 year old. Of course I had my concerns about her already though. Maybe it’s the middle child thing, but she’s a worry. Her responses did nothing to quell my fears!
Re: You know my contempt for stupidity…
time to ship her off to a convent?
here’s another stupid celeb!
DMX…he lives in beford/katonah new york a really nice rich suburb of new york but he feels every 3 months he must go and car jack a car get arrested and go to jail again….it happens every 3 months like clock work whot the f? he has so much money why not just buy another car…also his mansion is right next door to martha stewarts house….hmmm…who do you think is the bad influence here?
Re: here’s another stupid celeb!
why not? Sometimes I guess you just get bored. You need to pick up a hobby. Maybe something that reminds you of the old days. I feel nostalgic I might read some old stuff I wrote or watch an old movie. DMX feels nostalgic, he boosts a Lexus. He probably accepts that he’ll get caught, do a little time, and buy his way out. What’s the worst that can happen to him?
Re: here’s another stupid celeb!
by the way… email me. I don’t have your current address.