1KWFFH: on pot, PSAs, and psycho pussycats…

So, I mentioned a couple days ago, that I had a 1KWFFH floating around in my head, and I decided tonight would be a good night to actually just get it out on the page now. It’s something that has been buzzing around for a bit and it gets stronger everytime I watch TV or listen to the radio and a PSA address drinking and drugs. This one might be interesting because not only do I have both “grown-ups” and underaged people that these ads are supposedly aimed at, but I apparently I have a few dedicated straight edgers reading this now to go with the usual suspects of hardcore drunks (hey avocado_tom, how’s it going). So here I go, addressing it in a little piece that I like to call 1000 words of free flowing hostility

On pot, PSAs, and psycho pussycats…

So lately and I’ve really been noticing a disturbing trend in TV and radio commercials. It’s kind of weird. In this day of DVR and TiVo, you’d think that I’d just skip all of the commercials. I mean, I timeshift both TV and the radio, so I don’t really have to experience commercials at all. But the thing is I actually happen to kinda like commercials, some of them anyway. I laugh every time I see the insurance commercial where the guy does the Heismann pose and then falls down the stairs, and nothing brightens my day about hearing of the accomplishments of a Real Man of Genius. And hey, I’m all about anything that uses boobies to sell anything. I’m a guy, right.

But what I don’t get is the recent trend in Public Service Announcements. I have no problem with PSAs in concept. They’re a fine idea. But there’s a right way and a wrong way to run a PSA. Back in my youth you stayed off drugs for one reason and one reason only. Because in 1987, doing the pot was gonna make your brain fry like an egg. Ok, maybe not. No one really believed the “this is your brain on drugs” thing, but it made for a pretty good message. Nice and simple. Iconic. It was an effective bit of advertising. And it was made even better when they remade ten years later and put Rachael Leigh Cook in it.

“This is your brain after you snort heroin” was an astounding piece of cinemagraphic mastery. The message was brilliant. It was well formed. It was memorable. And most importantly, it featured Rachael Leigh Cook. Fun Fact: Did you know that “Rachael Leigh Cook” is the word for hotness in 17 different languages (including Puerto Rican). And nothing, and I mean nothing that I have ever encountered in life has made me not want to get on the smack more than the sight of Rachael Leigh Cook in a tight nipple exposing wifebeater camisole top beating the shit out of an egg with a frying pan. Now that was a fucking PSA!

But see, that’s the problem these days. The Rachael Leigh Cook ad (HOVA, I had forgotten how much in love with her I was) was cool. And it was effective. I don’t have any actual data to back that up, really, but I’m pretty sure its true. That ad is as much responsible for me not doing heroin as Catherine Bach is for me going through puberty at age five. That ad was cool. And the Partnership for a Drug Free America knew that. They knew they had a winner. And they tried to do something that never works.

They tried to catch lightning in a bottle.

The PDFA apparently confused our base horniness for that commercial with thinking that we were actually staying off drugs because being off drugs was “Cool.” So they went on to make a long stream of commercials that try to enforce the idea that staying off drugs is cool. This trend continues to this day.

Just watch any anti-drug or anti-drinking PSA today. They’re all the same. A bunch of “cool” kids (note the scare quotes) are partying and having a good time. Maybe there’s a hot girl over there across the room who’s making google eyes at our young hero. But then, the hero takes a drag of a joint or drinks a sip of beer and not only is he no longer attractive to the hot girl, but the rest of the kids at the party throw him out. Why? Because drinking is just so totally uncool dude. And only total lameos do drugs.

Uh yeah… uh huh…

Ok, so lets just cut the bullshit, ok. Doing drugs is cool. Ok. Drinking is cool. Smoking is cool. Having lots of sex with nameless groupies is cool. That’s why all the cool people do those things. Snoop Dogg and Aerosmith are cooler than Barry Manilow and the Winans. Just deal, ok?

Does that mean that you have to do drugs? Nope, it doesn’t. It doesn’t even mean that you can’t be cool without doing drugs. There is lots of stuff that makes you cool. There are many ways of earning cool points. And as politically incorrect as it may be to say it, holding a vodka martini in one hand and a cigarette in the other while you snort cocaine off of the tits of a double d breasted groupie who said she was eighteen, really she did, I swear. Well, lets just all agree that that scores you more points than wearing your sunglasses at night.

See, the thing is, being cool isn’t necessarily the most important thing in the world. But its up there for a lot of kids. And if you’re going to give a kid tips at being cool, well then you better fucking be right. And few things are as uncool as having some grown-ups tell you that its not really cool to do something that is obviously cool.

So what is the right thing to do? Well that’s simple. Tell the truth. See, I have friends who are teenagers and I’ve come to a conclusion. Believe it or not, they’re basically people. You know more or less. Which means you can talk to them. No need to lie to them. Just says something like “hey, you know drugs can hurt your brain.” Then leave them alone. Maybe they’ll listen, maybe they won’t. But at least they won’t consider you a lame ass joke.

Or alternatively, you know you could like get an up and coming starlet to wig out and trash a set with a frying pan while looking really hot and leaving behind a desire to fuck her down and dirty style on the kitchen counter amid shattered dishes and messy egg yolk in everyone who sees her that lasts for at least 8 years to come.

Worked on me.