So it’s been a while since I talked about the folly of celebrity. I hadn’t really had anything to say. But I’m sitting here watching the season premiere to Saturday Night Live in the vain hope that Kanye West says something controversial. So far no luck, but there was something that struck me as interesting. They announced next weeks host and musical act. And the musical guest is none other than Ashlee Simpson. Excuse me while I pick my bottom lip up off the floor.
Well, if nothing else, they have guaranteed that I’ll watch the show for another week, that’s for sure. If only to see if they actually crucify her live on stage for the events of last season.
But I want to forget about this for a moment and I want to explore something that gets to me everytime I have ever thought about Ashlee. That is to say, exactly why the fuck is she famous? I mean, I get that she’s a singer. Its no secret that I am actually way more of a pop music fan than one would expect of a 30-something asiatic black man. I’m also on record for often pointing out that singing and songwriting are not the only important aspects of being a successful pop singer. Or even the most important part. But really, Ashlee doesn’t have ANY of those things. Even when she’s allowed to lipsync, her voice just isn’t that good. Her songs aren’t really interesting. She can’t dance. She’s not even cute. Despite the fact that I like the outfit that her stylist chose for her in that picture up there, I usually don’t care even care for her clothes. (for $200 and 3-4 hours in the mall with any girl on my friend’s list and I guarantee you I can make you hotter than that). What it comes down to is that Ashlee Simpson is famous for one reason and one reason only. Because her sister has a nice rack.
I have no problem with B-List celebrity. Say what you will about Jessica for instance. She may be dumb as a post, but those are Grade A tits. You can’t take that away from her. Its something. Paris Hilton, I don’t personally find her attractive, but as suicideking pointed out to me, she’s rich and she likes to give head. She’ll let you film the sex. And hey, if you’re lucky, she might even send nekkid lesbian pics of her to you on your cell phone. That pretty much makes her a catch. Fine. Tonya Harding, John Wayne Bobbit, Baby Jessica that fell down the well. You guys earned it. Even the cast of people on the Surreal Life. So long as you were culturally relevant for one minute, I have no problem with you coasting through the next 14.
But Ashlee? She was never relevant. She has no talent, she’s not pretty, she’s not a snappy dresser, she has a big nose and her boobs suck. She’s Kato Fucking Kaelin. She did absolutely nothing to get famous. There’s nothing notable about her whatsoever other than the fact that everyone wants to bang her sister. She didn’t have a famous minute and coast through the next 14. She stole 13 min from her sister’s boobs and then on the 14th minute made a major blunder on nationwide television and rather than being chased into a hole and never heard from again, they’ve invited her back a year later to do it again. What the hell?!?
I wish my sister had perfect boobs so I could be famous and get paid to make an ass out of myself.
Instead I just do it for free.
As an aside, Satuday Night Live is now over. In Pittsburgh, Its followed by DateNight TV, a local call in dating show. Has anyone ever bothered to watch this show? I’ve seen it a few times. As far as I can tell there were only about 5 episodes ever made and they were filmed like 6 or 7 years ago. The number at the bottom of the screen is blocked out so you can’t call in. Are any of these people even still single? Some of them are probably dead. What’s the point of a call-in show that you can’t call in to anymore. Its a waste of air time. Couldn’t they make tens if not twenties of dollars instead by showing an infomercial or something?
When I saw a girl from my high school on DateNightTV, I stopped watching it. Well, that and it’s terrible, except for making fun of.
Comcast Digital Cable has dating stuff on OnDemand. HILARITY.
Does the Comcast show have the same “fun” feel and “top-class” production value as DateNightTV?
Do they at least have a catchy theme song?
Argyle socks with open-toed sandals? You’re kidding me when you say that’s tight, right? Please? Right?
depends on what the effect you’re going for is. That would be totally wrong for you to wear to school to teach in, for instance. I mean, she’s also wearing an extra long cami as a full dress and no pants. That said, I like the quirky tackiness of the outfit. Its obviously “wrong” and in some way, its almost right through that.
That said, usually she looks like absolute shit.
Well, yeah, obviously I would wear close-toed shoes with the argyle socks if I was going to work. Or anywhere outside the house. I do like the socks. Just not with the shoes. The outfit as a whole only works because she’s sitting down with her knees up. If she were standing, it would be clear she’d forgotten her trousers.
Also, true. That outfit isn’t designed for going anywhere. Its designed to have an interesting look for a photo op. Still, I think it is possible to create a fashionable look out of intentionally tacky clothes. As I said, I think she’s always trying to do so. Maybe that’s the thing. I’m looking at her and mentally comparing her outfit to everything else I’ve ever seen her wear, and this is much much better. I still think I could do better still for a $200 trip to the mall.
I find it interesting that none of the comments so far address the real point of the post at all. But hey, its so much more fun being catty and bitching about her outfit.
none of the comments so far address the real point of the post at all.
The thing is, no one actually gives a poo about Ashlee Simpson.
well yeah, that was kinda my point in the post…
So you expect people to write in to say they don’t care?
well, more I am looking for people to explain why someone that no one cares about became famous. I get that her sister is hot. Her sister also doesn’t have a bad voice. So I’m ok with that. But, there’s lots of hot singers who have relatives that aren’t famous. Why is she different. Are Jessica’s boobs really so much nicer than anyone else’s that her relatives have to be famous through association?
There comes a time in every woman’s life when she has to stand on the merits of her own two boobs. Hopefully that time will come soon for young Ashlee.
what wonderful words of wisdom… no wonder you’re a teacher
I seek to inspire.
That reminds me…I really ought to grow some boobs.
I’m sure I have some spam around somewhere that might be able to help you out
She looks about 30 in that picture.
yeah, she tends to look older than she is to me too…
DateNight TV is the most depressing show on television, anywhere, ever. Even the 24/7 infomercial channel FYI gives me more hope for humanity.
I researched the show on-line a while back. New episodes haven’t been produced for years, but WPXI-TV has a deal that lets them show the old episodes forever for nothing. Any advertising revenue is almost all profit; all WPXI has to pay for is an engineer to roll the tape.
I suppose. Were there even any commercials in it? The show is vapid enough that I didn’t even notice. The rates for advertising in the slot can’t be that high. I feel like you’d have to make a lot more money showing a Rob Popeil ad or something.
I can’t bring myself to watch more than two minutes of DateNight TV before turning it off and going to bed miserable. I can only assume that there are commercials. Interestingly, both 976-7676 and 263-MEET, the two phone numbers shown at the start of DateNight TV, are still registered to chat lines in town.
I’m amazed that WPXI hasn’t picked up “It’s Showtime at the Apollo,” which airs on WNBC in New York after Saturday Night Live. They could make decent money off it. WPXI airs a “Classic Saturday Night Live” at 3:30 AM, so why not fill the 2 1/2 hours between new and old SNL with watchable programming?
yeah, Cleveland plays Apollo after SNL too. Maybe you’re right. Maybe they just don’t want to pay for the extra show. But I have to imagine that the ratings would be better for Apollo than for DateNightTV. Actually, now that I think about it, since they’re paying for it anyway, they should probably play the SNL rerun right after SNL and move DNTV to the 3:30 slot. I’m a marketing genius! Someone give me a job programming WPXI.
As an aside, Satuday Night Live is now over. In Pittsburgh, Its followed by DateNight TV, a local call in dating show. Has anyone ever bothered to watch this show?
I’m pretty sure that this is the show that I woke up to one night, having fallen asleep while trying to watch SNL. I heard the announcer say:
“Louis the ‘computer network administrator’ wants a woman who has 2 arms, 2
legs and preferably not on a high dosage of prozac.”
probably sounds like the innovative humor one might expect on that show…
of course, I read that comment and think “damn, that guy is picky”