So when I was talking with the always delightful (even when she is all but dying from the plague)sexyhockihoochi earlier today we came upon the question of what do her parents know about her sex life. Her answer, pretty much they don’t know anything. She claimed that she could have 3 kids and her dad would remain in denial. This got me to thinking. How close are people to their parents?
I’m going to let the cat out the bag here and admit that I am not a virgin. Haven’t been for a long time. In fact I was totally sniffing cocaine off the thighs of hookers while a dwarf hung from a swing on the ceiling filming it all the way back when I was seven. And while I realize some of you might not have been quite as cool as I was as a seven year old, its kind of my suspicion that most of you would have kept your early sexual exploits secret from their parents. But does that continue today? When did you stop? Did you stop? Why or why not? Do you feel like you have a close enough relationship to your parents that you can talk about sex? In what level of detail? “Hey mom, I’m not a virgin anymore?” or “Hey mom, I met this couple at the club the other night, they took me home, chained me up and both tossed my salad. It was great, I wish I’d gotten their names so we could do it again.” or somewhere in between? Do your parents share details of their sex lives with you? Are you more embarrased around them or your friends? What about your SOs parents?
Some of you have kids, but part of me even wonders about that. Do you think your parents assume that your kids are emmaculate or do they assume you had sex once for each kid and that was it? Or do they have more realistic beliefs? If your parents know about your sex life do they approve? If someone has parents that think they’re the prude, I’d totally like to hear about that.
For me, its pretty simple. My dad pretty much knows no details about my sex life one way or the other. Not that I particularly hide it from him, but we just don’t actually have the kind of relationship where we’d even discuss my favorite color, much less bedroom behavior. I have to assume he probably believes me to not be a virgin. My mom on the other hand knows more. Not too many details, but I wouldn’t hide them from her if she asked. She just doesn’t really want to know the details, i don’t think. not because I’m her son. I imagine its more because she doesn’t care to know anyone’s life. But its certainly not something I’d go out of my way to hide from her. But then mamaryane is pretty cool like that. Besides, when you’re trying to fit 2 crack whores and a midget into a bunk bed, parents kind of notice that sort of thing.
As a side note: Amazingly I didn’t actually have a good worksafe image in my Flickr library to use for “sex.” And so I’m using this generic one from Posters.com. But it did give me some ideas. So if a couple people are interested in being models for photographs that would involve you laying in bed and making out while I took pictures (for several hours) let me know. And of course if anyone else wants to do a solo photoshoot let me know, too.
EDIT: At the suggestion of ludimagist, I’d also love to know how people feel about discussing their sex life with their siblings.
This made me think more along the lines of those kids of talks with siblings.
I can and do talk pretty openly with my older sister, but there has been hardly any discussion at all with my little sister.
The problem with your photoshoots is that they have to take place in Western Pennsylvania.
That’s interesting. I think I’ll modify the post to also ask how people relate to their siblings on sexual topics.
I don’t consider the photoshoots in Western, PA to be a problem. You guys need to come visit more anyway. (Sure, I should also come visit you guys, but I’m a hypocrit)
Eh my mom knows about my sex life. My dad, on the other hand, will always be in denial…always. There’s just something about our culture that says a father should never “allow” his daughter(s) to engage in sexual activity of any kind. My dad can make jokes openly about my younger brother’s sex life (hypocritically).
hehehe…. well, to be fair, you don’t talk to him about your sex life either, but apparently you’ll talk to your mom. Right? So I don’t know that its really hypocritical, is it? Just who you’re more comfortable with. I mean, you’re going home later today, right? Try walking up to your dad and saying “dad, I want to ask you a serious question. Can we talk?” He’ll say something like “Yes, Princess, of course. You can talk to me about anything.” And then just ask him something about sex. It doesn’t have to be crazy or graphic “Hey, daddy. One of the 4 guys I’ve been fucking wants to try anal, but I usually make a guy wait a 4 dates. What do you think?” it could be something really simple, but that undoubtbly concerns sex “Ben has been acting bored with sex. What can I do to spice it up?” or even “do you think its important to be sexually monogamous at my age, or is it ok to play the field?” I’d be curious to his reaction. And really it might surprise you. *shrug*
I honestly believe that one of the reasons that my mom () and I get along so well is that I basically decided that I was an adult when I was like 12, and have behaved like I was ever since. It actually created problems when I actually was a kid, but I think the fact that I don’t allow her to treat me like a kid really helps my relationship with her as an adult. I imagine she’ll probably see this comment and weigh in herself, so stay tuned. On the other hand, I know a lot of people in their 30s and beyond who basically let their parents treat them like children or teenagers, and so they continue to do so. is going to assume that I’m talking about her, but I didn’t mean her exclusively. That said, just as an example, we’ve been living together for like 7 years now, and I seriously imagine that her parents probably prefer to believe that we’ve never had sex. Honestly, I think they probably prefer to believe that her brother (married, with 2 kids) has had sex exactly twice. Eh… maybe they’d front him a third time for the honeymoon, but that’s it. Maybe not. But this is the kinda thing I am wondering about.
I don’t talk to my mom about my sex life either. She just is aware that it’s going on, since I told her I was having sex with Ben. It’s not like I’d walk up to my parents and be like “Hey Ben and I just had some amazing sex. It was such an intense orgasm, and I think I’m going to do it again in an hour or so.” My dad knows I have sex because my mom tells him, but he will always be in denial that his little Princess is engaging in such behavior. His son, however, is to be congratulated. Sociological double standard, but whatever. I don’t care if they know, but I’m not likely to go bragging to anyone in my family about my sex life, just because we don’t discuss that very often in my family. We’re still really set in Eastern European ways since my grandparents immigrated here. It’s more of a “you’re not married, you can’t have sex thing.” My brother knows I have sex, and occasionally I will make obscene comments to gross him out.
As far as other parents not believing their children are sexually active, it may be because of religious reasons. Some extremely religious people believe that you should only have sex to produce children, so having sex twice in your lifetime with two kids is plausible to them. I guess it all depends on your family’s beliefs/morals/ideals/whatever you want to call it.
Yeah, I totally buy that the double standard still exists. But like most things that I post here, I’m really interested in trying to understand why. A lot more so than I care to try to change it. So the old-country proper immigrant mentality totally makes sense there. The question of course is, did your parents follow that reasoning themselves when they were your age.
That’s the rub, really. I totally get if someone is religious to the point that they believe that sex should only be used for procreation. There’s logic to that. Logic I don’t agree with, but logic I can follow. So I’m cool with it. But I don’t understand the mentality of “I know what I was like when I was my kids age, so I’m going to watch him/her like a hawk so s/he doesn’t do the same things!” TO me, the immediate question is “but if your parents did that to you, wouldn’t you have just been even more devious?”
When I have kids, I’m going to let them lose their virginity at 7 if they want. Just totally get rid of all of the pressure right from the jump.
Sorry I took so long to respond.
I don’t know why a double standard exists. (Why did my brother cut the grass while I did the laundry? No clue.)
My mom came straight out and told me that her and my dad didn’t have sex until they were engaged. Of course mom was 18 and dad was 19 at that time. But you can bet that my parents never told THEIR parents that they had sex. Personally, I would rather not know about my parents’ sex life, so I assume they wouldn’t really want to hear about my booming sex life.
My dad lives in another world as far as my sex life is concerned. He doesn’t believe it will ever exist just because I’m his princess. My mom wasn’t into the whole “watch her like a hawk,” but she gave me a sex talk at 13 and again when she found out I was having sex with Ben (at 19). She didn’t focus on the whole “never have sex”. She just told me about safe sex and to make sure I really cared about the person.
I wouldn’t want my kids having sex before high school ends, but that’s simply for practical reasons. Whether male or female, I’d prefer not to have my children getting pregnant or getting someone else pregnant in high school. And no matter how safe you think the sex is you’re having, it’s not fool-proof. I’ve known women who have gotten pregnant while on the Pill and using condoms all the time. Rare, but not impossible. I don’t think virginity is so much pressure. I was taught that sex is special, something you do with people you care about. I’d prefer that my children understand that. That doesn’t mean they should wait until they’re married or only have sex with one person in their life time. I would just prefer that my children don’t have sex with every random person they meet. I don’t want sex to replace real intimacy either.
To me, I wouldn’t mind if my children came to talk to me about sex. I’d rather not have my child come up and say something like “damn, I fucked Betty Sue so hard last night that she was sore for a week. Hey mom, do you think dad will give me pointers on how to make her cum quicker?” I doubt my parents would want to hear anything like that either. I wouldn’t even really want to know that anyone in my family was humping like a wild monkey. Hell, I really don’t want to hear that anyone is humping like a wild monkey except myself and Benny.
I think it’s all in how you were raised. There isn’t a right or wrong issue here. Just a difference in culture and upbringing.
WHAT!!! You’re having SEX?!!!
#1 – I thought the reason I don’t have grandchildren was because my angelic sons were saving themselves for marriage… sigh
#2- You don’t “allow” me to treat you like a kid? Are you nuts? It has nothing to do with you allowing or not allowing… this was MY choice bubba! I figured if I wanted my kids to act mature then I needed to treat them that way (within reason, that is… it’s a progressive process). You have to let kids make decisions, then let them fall on their asses, then pick them up, dust them off and hope they learned something. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. “It” being both the method and my success and/or failure to treat you that way. Hey, I never said I was perfect… that’s way too tough to live up to!
Re: WHAT!!! You’re having SEX?!!!
1) umm… yeah, you’re thinking of Marcus… yeah, that’s it…
2) That’s just your point of view. From my point of view, I do. In fact there were many times when I was a kid that we clashed pretty big because you would try to reverse my behavior and I wasn’t having it. I’m not saying anything is wrong or right about it. What I’m saying is that because of our relationship (which got quite strained) back then, you certainly don’t expect me to react well to not being treated like an adult today.
See, we don’t really disagree.
My folks and I never discuss sex, but I think their comfort level with my sex life changed dramatically after I got married.
As evidence, when Matt and I would visit their home before we got married, we were not allowed to sleep in the same room, even though we were already living together. However, after we got married, they not only welcomed us to sleep in the same room, but they asked my sister to give up her room for us so we could share the larger, more comfortable bed.
So, not that we’d actually *have* sex in my sister’s bed, but I felt like my folks acknowledged that we were now an official couple who would be spending all our nights together from now on.
I’ve always found that silly. Like a thing out of a sitcom, or the movie Meet the Parents. “Not under my roof!” But when you really think about the ramifications and the true logic behind it they’re basically saying “We realize our daughter is a horrid shameful sinner, and will no doubt burn in hell, but she’s certainly not gonna bring the wrath of god down on us by doing it in our house.”
Of course, I’m also of the opinion that telling your teenager living at home that they can’t have sex is also a stupid idea. Because they’re just going to sneak out and do it anyway. Probably much better for them to be doing it at home than in the back of a crappy ’87 Escort parked in the woods somewhere.
And if I was your sister, I’d be pissed! 🙂
Well, it wasn’t really about sinning. We’re Jewish and I was never told to wait for marriage to have sex. In fact, I think my folks told me they had sex before marriage. I was only ever told to have sex with someone I love. So it didn’t have anything to do with god or hell (we don’t believe in hell either).
I think it was more of my folks level of comfort with my boyfriend/fiance/husband. It wasn’t until we were married that they were comfortable accepting the fact that this guy was a fine upstanding young man who deserved to sleep with their daughter. They always thought that “living together” was immature and that grown-ups who love each other should get married. So I think it was more that they let us sleep together after we were married because they finally saw us as grown-ups and not as kids.
Yeah, I knew you were jewish. I didn’t mean it so seriously, though. I mean, I figure your parents wouldn’t want you to burn in hell if they believed in it either. I imagine it would have something to do with loving you or something. 😉 Still, I guess my point was more that some parents seem to have this theory, that “I can’t stop the kids from breaking the rules when they’re elsewhere, but they better follow them when they’re here.” and I find that weird.
So do you think that if they knew Matt better they would have been more ok with it? Or do you think it wouldn’t have mattered who he was. Just no one would have been fine and upstanding enough until you were married?
Just a slightly different take on “not under my roof” – it’s true you can’t stop them elsewhere, but you can make a very strong statement about what you think by enforcing rules in your own house, much stronger than you can make by simply announcing what you think. That said, I’m not sure the “separate rooms” rule is one that’s worth taking a stand on, but I can understand why people do it.
then explain it to me. I totally get the encouraging the kids to have your values while you’re raising them. I even get calling them up after they’ve moved out and complaining to them in the hopes of continuing to restructure their ideals. But I don’t see the usefulness at all of saying “well, you aren’t sinning while your in my house no matter what you do outside of here.” other than to avoid potential errant bolts from the blue.
No, all I’m saying is that parents use house rules to send messages about what they think is important. If there’s any question of how serious the parents think the sin is, forbidding it under their roof should make it clear. Think of the rules as a megaphone for the communication of principles between generations.
I guess I see how you might enforce such rules when the kid is a kid. But in say Toby’s case. Where she and Matt were already living together, it just seems silly. Was there any chance whatsoever that she was gonna say after a visit “why, they’re right. We shouldn’t be living together yet. I’m moving out!”
Clearly the rules on their own aren’t enough, but if the relationship goes bad somehow and the child’s life is in crisis the parent’s values will stand out in sharp relief. Now again I’m not saying that I agree with these values, just that communicating values is important, and enforcing rules can reinforce that communication.
So then you theorize that its basically a parental way of covering their ass so that they can eventually go “I TOLD YOU SO!!!”
yeah, that makes sense…
You totally miss the point. Nobody wants to hear the springs squeaking in their kids room. Think about it, if you can hear it, then the springs probably aren’t squeaking in your own (at least not at that time). And it’s totally unnatural for the kid’s springs to be squeaking when your own are not! Seriously though, if it makes the parents uncomfortable, then that’s reason enough for them to say ‘not here’. Don’t be fooled, most parents pretty much know their kids are screwing outside of home, as well as doing whatever else they want to do. We know we aren’t going to control that. But if it goes against their grain for whatever reason, they have the right to say “not under this roof”, afterall, they ARE paying for said roof. It’s the same as knowing that your Uncle smokes smelly cigars; you don’t really care what he does at his house, but you’re not going to let him smoke them in yours.
hey, its no picnic hearing the parent’s springs when you’re the kid either… just sayin’ is all.
anyway, i think its more a question of grown up kids coming back to visit, not underaged kids who still live there that i was considering foolish. There’s a big difference between saying “please don’t have noisy sex in our house” and “you can’t sleep in the same room.” Imposing extraneous rules only serves two purposes. 1) annoying those the rules are imposed upon. 2) inspiring them to break them.
Not upstanding until married. 😉
and really, he’s kinda shady now…
I’m pretty sure my mother doesn’t want to know details about anyone’s sex lives, family or not.
yeah, that’s different. That’s not being interested in talking about sex because of its private/personal nature. As opposed to not acknowledging you as a sexual being. Even though I obviously don’t have any such hang-ups, I totally understand it.
So both of my parents know. My father is more interested in such things. He guessed upon seeing mee ~3 months after I lost my virginity, and just right out asked. And then asked if I had multiple orgasms. Cause he’s my father and he’s like that. He’ll talk about sex in front of groups of people I hardly even know in our kitchen. He’s awesome like that.
My mother had to take me out to dinner and hem and haw until I couldn’t take it anymore, told her what she was trying to ask me over penne and told her the answer. She just wanted to warn me of how such things change relationships, etc. etc.
My father’s the one who calls to tell me he’s worried about me every time I vist Pittsburgh. In fact, I’m expecting a phone call any minute now…BTW that means I’m here 🙂 I saw Steph crossing Forbes ave yesterday afternoon. I’m here for a while in case anything awesome is happening 😀
see, your dad is awesome. That makes much more sense to me. I hope I have that kind of relationship with my kids some day. “Oh wow, and that works? wow. How do I do that? Do I need to stretch first?”
Your mom, while not awesome, is at least reasonable,
You should totally go to steph’s office and just wait for her. She might be in there now, for all I know.
Oh, and as to siblings, we just imply. One of my brothers has a kid, and when they were trying I know his theory was to just have sex all day, and they’d get a kid eventually. The other brother is 30 and dates 18 yr olds, so I’m more frightened if anything. We just make sure they’re 18.
heh… why is that frightening? Legal consenting adults, and all, and so long as they’re both happy, right?
because 18 yr old girls are INSANE.
do you really need the 18 year old part? 😛
Hm. My mom’s always been really realistic about stuff. I told her when I was sleeping at your old place, back when we were dating, for example. (God. That was 11 years ago now!) I mean, I didn’t give her details, but she needed to know where to find me. I’ve never given her details, but she clearly assumes that I have an active sex life with my husband, and is fine with it.
My dad is another story. He apparently has said something unrepeatably filthy about my brother J’s sex life (even my most filthy-mouthed sibling refused to repeat it, so it must’ve been horrid). He’s nuts, and unpleasant, and I wouldn’t tell him any details about my life at all if I could avoid it, let alone give him any sex-related ammunition which he would then break out at a holiday dinner in front of everyone.
hmmm… so in your case the hiding(well avoidance of the topic) is more from fear of having to do with annoyances that might result from your dad’s personality rather than standard shame/fear of being caught by your parents?
Right. He’s completely, wildly inappropriate, and has no sense of when it’s proper to keep his damn mouth shut.
Nat and I housesat for my mom before we were married, and one of the enticements she used was “you guys can use my bed….” (It’s a gorgeous antique thing and the only bedroom in the house with a TV in it.) She’s always been practical and realistic about that kind of thing, but she does not need to know details at ALL.
Actual conversation with my mom, when I was 17:
“Hey Mom, you said you’d pay for me to go on the pill. Did you mean it?”
[heavy sigh] “Yes, honey, I meant it. Put it on the credit card.”
“OK, thanks!”
I know…you don’t know me but…I saw your icon and wondered are you a belly dancer? Your icon looks like a tribal belly dancers icon…just wondering…
Yes; I dance tribal fusion & that’s me in the icon. 🙂
A lot of my friends happen to be belly dancers. Actually, there are probably as many belly dancers who read this as there are pro-wrestlers.
*gasp* birth control at 17… how inappropriate you shouldn’t have been… uhhh…. never mind.
*koff*
I don’t want to hear it out of YOU, pal! 😀
you can’t proove a thing!
My parents and I don’t really discuss sex. I assume they have it (but have no idea, as they aren’t really affectionate), and I assume they assume I have it (I made no bones about the fact that I spend nights with boyfriends). The few times I’ve visited with a boyfriend (not husband), my mom offered us the option to sleep in the same room. I think my mom tries to be a “friend” to me and would like to be open to whatever i bring up, but she’s not really going to bring it up herself (and so usually I do’nt either).
Last summer, when I visited Tampa to work at FetishCon, I ended up telling them why I was in town, and brought a program booklet as a souvenier when I went to visit them afterwards. It was very odd, but kind of amusing, seeing my ultra calm and quiet dad slowly flip through a book full of advertisements from fetish models and websites and wares.
My sister, on the other hand, I’m comfortable sharing almost anything with, even the personal kinky stuff. She isn’t into as much weird stuff as me, but we are happy talking to each other and giving support and stuff.
I’m not sure I understand from the way you put it. Were they more or less accepting of Mark?
So did they actually ask questions after flipping through the book or did they just kinda go “ummm, yes, that is interesting, let us never speak of this again.”
Oh, no, they were fine with Mark. We were treated like a regular adult married couple. But I think my mom didn’t really want to admit I was having sex before that. Afterwards, it’s been no problem.
They actually asked a bunch of questions about the booklet and about the con, but not about my personal life.
I don’t talk to any of my family– parents, sibling, or other relatives– about my sex life. Heck, I don’t even talk much about my relationships per se. A lot of that reticence on my part stems out of a general desire to keep my sex life private– I don’t have a “sex filter” here on LJ either, for example. My parents are good about respecting my privacy and I appreciate that.
My mom gave me a frank but very basic “birds and bees” talk when I was pretty young (maybe 9 or 10?) but didn’t give much information after that. All the information I have about birth control, disease prevention, and configurations other than PiV sex I learned via school sex ed or my own research.
Of course, there’s also the issue of my relationships being unconventional in their various dimensions. That used to be a big factor in keeping my mouth shut (didn’t want my dad coming after J with a shotgun for bedding his underage daughter, you know), but maybe it isn’t so much now. My parents haven’t exactly welcomed my deviant lifestyle wholeheartedly, but they have never outright expressed disaproval and are always friendly to J and V.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be all that interested in talking about the gritty details of my sex life with people who aren’t actually involved in it. I wouldn’t mind being a little more open with my folks about my relationships in general– I’m a grownup now, I’m allowed to have special friends. However I can’t seem to have a coherent conversation with my mom about much of anything, and my dad and I mostly bond about work and school stuff.
interesting… so its not that you specifically keep sexual details from your parents as much as you don’t talk about them so much with anyone?
Converesly, can you talk to your parents about personal, but non sexual stuff?
I’d say my parents know I have a sex life and that’s all they want to know. I told my dad after my first time and he gave me the “I’m proud of you but be safe” speech, and that was about it. As long as they don’t want to talk about it I have no problem with them knowing.
My older sister and I talk openly about our sex lives with each other but don’t go into details as to not gross each other out. But my sister is more like a friend then a sibling so that might be why we’re so open.
ah yes… and actual teenager. Perfect! So the question is: And why would you have a probaly with them wanting to talk about it.
It’s pretty much just how my relationship with my parents work. The majority of the time they don’t know if I have a girlfriend. They let me go and do my own thing with no questions asked. It’d would just be odd and out of character for them to suddenly ask about my sex life.
and therefore even more odd to suddenly be forbiding or encourgaing things, then?
I always figured my parents just knew when I started having sex, I was a wild child, and my parents were hippies. Actually….about siblings. My sister and I used to snoop through my parents room when I was younger – So, I had seen a dildo, porn, and other stuff like that before I was ten. My parents were – supa-freaks, but they didn’t know that I knew that.
My Dad and I talk about just about everything. We don’t go into details or anything – but I was having sex with my high school sweetheart under his roof at the age of 16 (he lived with us)….plus he took me for my first “annual” (pap) when I was 14 to get birth control..
…and my Mom, well when I’m with my other sibling we will talk about our sex lives to mom just to make her blush and say “silly girls” cause it’s funny. So yeah…I guess our family is pretty open about sex.
right… and that certainly seems better than the alternative, right? Hiding everything just seems like it would be so much effort!
Before buying my house: “Don’t ask, don’t tell.”
Now? I told mom that Marc didn’t have a separate bedroom. I could hear the dead silence over the phone for a bit.
A week later, she called back and casually asked if Marc was chasing me all over the house, like my dad did to her when they were newlyweds.
*squick*
ummm… but you lived together before. Did she honestly think that you never shared a room?
It was part “We have our own bedrooms *wink* *wink*” and part them not really wanting to know.
I knew what would make them more comfortable, but after we bought the house I didn’t care anymore to bother with the pretense. Eh, we still talk to each other.