1KWFFH: on hometown hotties on the cyberbathroom wall…

It’s been several months since the last time I sat down to write 1000 words of free flowing hostility. I had actually been thinking about it a lot lately. But I didn’t want to do it gratuitously. I wanted to make sure I had a good topic before I broke out the format. But today a [well for the sake of argument, lets call it a story] broke today and it put a bug up my ass far enough that I knew I’d be inspired to write one. So without further ado, I give you, 1000 words of Free Flowing Hositility on Hometown Hotties on the Cyberbathroom Wall:

So a “huge” controversy broke today in our little Podunk section of the globe. I am speaking of the Mt. Lebanon Top 25 List scandal. Apparently an anonymous group of students took it upon themselves to hold an election, tabulate the results and then write and distribute a list of the hottest girls in the school. Parents found out about the list. And then the smackdown ensued.

Now try as I might, I seem to be unable to find an actual transcript of the list. But several newspaper articles describe what was on it. There are pictures of each of the 25 girls, their names and grades (sophomore, junior or senior. No freshmen made the list). Along with the photos, each girl was graded on their looks in three categories: Face, Butt and Breasts. And a brief bio was given for each girl that apparently was somewhat “crude and vulgar” at least according to the papers.

Somehow, parents found the list and were outraged. They gave the list to the school, which investigated and decided it wasn’t really their problem because it didn’t actually have anything to do with the school (as there was no proof that it was distributed or created on school grounds). The list was turned over to the police who also investigated and decided to ignore it, as it wasn’t really evident that any crime had been committed.

The parents bitched louder.

Now the school board is revisiting the matter and they have essentially promised that once the responsible parties are discovered they will receive strict disciplinary action.

Oh for fuck’s sake.

In the interest of saving taxpayer dollars, let me help the investigation along by just revealing the guilty parties right here. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say, “It was the boys.” Shocking, isn’t it? But wait, I can do even better. I can even tell you the motive. You see, I have it on good authority, that these juvenile delinquents HAVE TESTICLES.

For the benefit those of you who don’t have testicles, or as we sometimes call them in the common vernacular, balls, let me explain their power. Testicles are a pair of glands located in the nether regions of the male anatomy just between the legs that emit a powerful hormone throughout the body of the human male that causes us to behave in an otherwise abnormal manner when confronted with the female glands known as mammaries, or as referred to in the common vernacular, breasteses. In short, when boys see titties, we go bat-shit insane. It’s totally genetic. Really. Look it up.

There are several acceptable and unacceptable ways of dealing with this insanity. But make no mistake; it must be dealt with. To hold it end can lead to devastating consequences. As we mature, we find more constructive ways of dealing with the testosterone overload. Generally, it involves a box of tissues, a bottle of lube and a Jenna Jameson video. But at the younger ages, we’re not quite as intellectually enlightened. But that sexual frustration has to go somewhere. Certainly it would be inappropriate to go out and take the breasteses by force. That’s frowned upon to say the least. In all likelihood, a great many people would probably also take offense if the lads encountered a perky and nubile set of breasts walking toward them in the hallway after 5^th period and immediately whipped out their penises and started to vigorously jack off (admit it fellas, every single one of you has had a moment where you’ve thought about it). That’d be kind of weird. So instead, the boys have taken to the tried and true method adopted by their forefathers. Talking shit.

When archaeologists find the cradle of civilization you know what they’re going to find carved into the wall of the very first cave by ancient Neanderthal man? They’re going to find a crudely drawn stick figure drawing with long hair and two large circles between the arms in the chest area, and under it will be inscribed the words “Oooga ooga grunt oogah gah garrr ook ook garrrr!” They will spend years translating it, and eventually will find the key to this Rosetta stone. It will read, “For a good time, call Eve, (412) 867-5309.”

Look, I’m not trying to trivialize what these girls are going through here. I acknowledge that kids can be cruel. I can see how the girls might feel harassed by this. But at some point you just have to learn to take these things with a grain of salt. You’re hot a teenaged girl. You know what that means. It means that teenaged boys want to fuck you. If you want to be honest about it, the grown up boys want to fuck you too. Really we do. That’s just how we are. We work around it.

But then we have people like the anonymous father in this article that claims this is the written equivalent of raping his daughter. With all due respect, sir, FUCK YOU! I’ve been lucky enough to have not been raped in my life. But I know several people who have been, and I’m willing to put money on the fact that every single one of them would prefer to have “Cindy has great tits” written about them in a book than to be raped again.

I’m not even saying that what the boys did wasn’t harmful. Just that it wasn’t illegal. At some point you just have to allow criticism. Despite what I’ve said here, this isn’t even “boys being boys.” Its people writing an opinion. Would I feel the same way if it were a list of the top 25 niggers in school? Actually, yes I would. And I’d defend their right to write it. Just because the kids are being asinine, doesn’t mean they’re wrong. This is America, HOVAdammit. You have a Jay-Z-given right to be an asshole. And thank, Jigga. Because I use it. A lot.

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And of course I want to know what you think. Am I wrong, should some free speech not be protected or are these people overreacting to standard highschool behavior. Did you have this sort of thing happen in your school. Anyone ever make a list like this? Anyone ever been on it?

1 From the latin, scarlittojohanssonum, for Daaayummm, I’d tap that ass like Sandman Simms.