6-14-07

Day 307 of 365 days.

Little known fact. The bible doesn’t actually mention what the forbidden fruit is. Most people just assume its an apple. But it doesn’t say that anywhere. I like to think it was a clementine. Why? Because clementines are just too perfect. They’re like sweet, little, baby oranges.

Allow me a moment to share with you a passage from the First Book of Maverick, commonly called Ghettoicus.

Adam was hanging out in the garden of Eden minding his own business watching porn. You see, even though no other people had bee invented, Eden was paradise, so there must have been really really really good porn there, right?

So Adam is watching porn and he gets really horny. He says to himself "if only the Lord, my god, had taken but two more ribs to make flesh this Jesse Jane and Carmen Luvana so that I might lay down between them, know them and begat with them upon their pirate vessel. But alas he did not. I shall go and find Eve, the woman that god doth give to me and begat with her. Alas, I have such a stir about me that I might even begat with the creature that I call a horse."

And so he went off to find Eve. He found her Sitting under the clementine tree talking to a snake. "Woman," he said to her, "I have the stir about me, lay down with me upon the grass so that we might know each other and begat together."

"I shall begat with thou my husband in a moment, but first, allow me to feed thee this tasty snack I hath discovered, so we may know each other upon a hefty stomach" she replied.

"But woman," he replied. "Art thou daft? The Lord, our god, hath forbidden us to suckle upon the fruit from that very tree. Now lay down so that I might know the fruit of thy bosom."

"Thou doth not be the master of me!"

"But the Lord, our god, hath give thou to me for the express purpose of begatting, woman. Now, lay down before me, that I might smack it up, flip it, and begat it down."

Eve rolled her eyes, and knew that when the stir was upon Adam, the blood had been sucked from his brain and engorged upon his manroot rendering him even more daft than normal (which was no easy feat). She decided a different approach would fare her better.

"Husband," she began, "the fruit from the tree that the Lord, thy god, forbade us eat is the fruit of knowledge. I have feasted upon the fruit and while I was always more sharp of wit than thee, I now know secrets thou might only dream upon. Taste from the tree and thou might learn those secrets too. Taste from the tree and thou might lay with me and know me in ways thou has never dreamed upon. Suckle from the tree, and thou might learn the secrets of mouth begatting."

"Madness, woman. The mouth be not made for begatting but for speaking and taking sustenance, from things other than that tree of course."

"Stand there, husband and hold this fruit, that I might teach thee the secret of mouth begatting" and knelt before him and knew him in a way of which the Lord had never intended. Adam blasphemed.

"Mouth begatting is amazing, woman. Where did thou learnst such a thing?"

"From the tree, my husband. Now feast upon its fruit that I might know thee in yet a third way."

"A third way?"

And Adam feasted upon the clementine, and Eve did know him right there beneath the tree. And the Lord, their God, walked in upon them as they begat beneath the Clementine tree in manners of which he had never intended. And promptly he did expel them from the wondrous garden.

And that is why to this day we say "Oh my god!" whenever we begat or when we eat a sweet succulent clementine.

Yeah, I’m going to hell… But I knew that already.

365 days