Day 336 of 365 days.
Ok, I’m maybe a little neurotic. Maybe a little. This is probably one of the most personal posts I’ve made in a long time. As I sit here editing it, I realize more and more how hard it is to admit these things out loud to anyone especially the entire world. It probably won’t seem that way to other people. But trust me, there’s some serious soul searching agony going on here.
What follows here is going to sound a little self-wallowing. I want everyone to know that though there are a great many things I am depressed about in life, I’m actually pretty happy about a few things too. These last six months I’ve been happier creatively than I’ve been in a very very long time. I’ve wanted to be an artist since I was seven years old. Really, for all the gazillion people who constantly told me how smart I was and how I should get into computers because that’s where the money was. For all the times I’ve been told that I was "gifted" or a "genius," all I’ve ever wanted to do for more than a quarter of a century is create. I wanted to draw, write, tell stories and entertain.
The problem is for all the bravado that I present to the outside world, I actually have deep seated self esteem issues. Ask any artist and they’ll say they are their own toughest critic. For me, its probably 100 times that. Much like I look at myself and always think I’m too fat. I don’t know the answer to a question and I think I’m too stupid. I look at everything I ever write. Everything I ever draw and every photo I ever take and I’m think to myself "oh my god, that is such complete and utter crap. Just fucking give up already."
Or at least I used to. It’s funny. These last six plus months without a job I’ve done a lot of working on my photography. This project. Other projects. And for the first time in as long as I can remember, I find that I can look at my pictures and honestly say to myself "wow, that’s not half bad." Sometimes I even look and like them. That might not seem like a big deal. But to me it really is. I want to thank everyone who’s ever encouraged me to keep doing what I do, because, its starting to sink in. Happiness that is. I’m enjoying my art. I’m even proud of it. And that’s a big step. Its a huge thing to me. Now if only I could make money at it.
As I said before I didn’t get the job that I was supposed to get, my unemployment is running out soon, my car is still acting weird, I’m about seven pounds fatter than I want to be and my 33rd birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. Really, if you’ve been paying attention here at all, you’d probably realize I’m having kinda a crappy year.
Despite my creativity being ok for the first time in almost 15 years (I almost gave up any pretense of being an artist back then, not because of my own insecurities but because the love of it was ripped away from me by my art school, but that’s another story), I’ve actually been battling quite a lot of depression lately. I’ve been struggling with a lot and its taking its toll on me emotionally, intellectually, and even physically. I’m tired. I’m drained. I’m exhausted.
And I’m done…
So I made a very difficult decision. I can’t control my unemployment. I can work at it. I can keep trying. I can even pretend that, "gosh darn it, if you just keep plugging away, everything is going to be ok, that dream job is around the corner: But at the end of the day, sometimes life just sucks. The dream job isn’t around the corner. At least not my corner. I can’t make Millionaire put me on and I can’t guarantee I’d know all the answers anyway. I can’t control when my car decides to break down. I can’t control that I am about to run out of Unemployment. Hell, I can’t even control my urge to smoke cigarettes.
What can I control? Well, I can control my birthday. I’ve decided that job or no job, I’m having Jammy Jam. I was holding off because I was afraid that I wouldn’t have the money. But at the end of the day. This year has sucked. For all the peace of mind that I have gotten through this project, for all the growth I’ve achieved as an artist, for all the self-esteem that I have developed. The year has still sucked and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let it suck for my birthday.
So to hell with it. Jammy Jam is on. Job or no job. Future or no future. Millionaire or destitute. There will be a Jammy Jam at the end of this month and it will be a blast. There will be much drinking and debauchery. There will be live bands. There will be nearly naked girls running around. There will be costume and kissing contests. There will be exciting prizes. And I will enjoy each and every fucking minute of it. At least for one night.
And so help me God, I’ll be seven pounds lighter when it happens! And you thought this picture was unrelated to the post.
d00d, you’re only 33? You’ve got plenty of time to have much suckier years.
That’s an interesting read… I’ve been feeling the same way about most of what I shoot. I’m just starting, so mostly I feel like it’s all total crap, but sometimes lately I’ve been actually kinda happy with some shots.
I don’t think I’ve ever kept up with your stream, so sorry to hear about your sucking year. But as for birthday- yeah I’d say go for it. Enjoy for all it’s worth! And when you’re really trying, how hard is seven pounds going to be?
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Seen in 365 Days (?)
@Qathi: oh, I’m sure. Hence my dedication to go out of my way to really enjoy this one… at least for one day.
@.Bradi.: oh… I can do it… its kinda an arbitrary goal. Honestly I still won’t be happy once I’m there (see, neurotic) but its something.
I really enjoyed reading what you wrote. I am sorry life sucks sometimes. Sometimes that is when you are really close to life being great. (Can’t lose your hope…please…)
I am happy, at least, that you have had the chance to explore your creativity and become more confident in that. It’s amazing to finally start to see the talent that other people have always told you you have.
By the way, this is hot pic #2 of yours this week. :p Pounds, schmounds. Hot is hot.
I hear you. I’m poor, I’m really going nowhere academically at the moment, and my health is retardedly bad. It pulls you down. I’ve been really impressed at your ability to keep your chin up in this long run of being unemployed. Looking for a job and getting nothing sucked really hard on my end; why don’t they want me? As I’ve said before, I think it is awesome you’ve found this outlet. I really only use flickr to watch what you put up; I deeply enjoy your work.
@Ms.Blue: It’s not so much the pounds really. Its the fat. I don’t really care how much I weigh, I just want to fix my stomach. Pounds is just a useful metric for setting a goal.
Anyway, thank you for the nice words about the rest of it.
@Princess Diablo: I dunno that my chin is up, so much as I don’t talk about it publicly that much. But I really am happy with what I’ve produced artistically the last few months. I just hope I can keep it up when I’m standing on a street corner and begging for change in a few weeks.
I’m definitely in for donating to Jammy Jam.
Hell yeah, Mav. Bang it out, son! Hit that cardio! LEGENDARY MUST BE IN THE HOUSE!
the best party of the year and i’m gonna be out of the country? damn damn damn. please do me a favor and imagine me running around partially clad at the party. at least i’ll feel like i was part of the festivities.
;P
@rmitz: really? Get my AIM from Kelli and we can talk about it.
@MegaBee: damn skippy!
@Okaypro: you can always come back for it… you wouldn’t be the first person to make a special trip back into the states for Jammy Jam.
I, too, have had the genius/artist debate with others (but mostly myself). I did have a really good decade when my two parts were nicely balanced: teaching math and directing plays. Theatre has had to be pushed aside for now, but after a year of wallowing in a lack of self-expression, I dusted off my camera and at the very least I can say that I am creating again.
In the end, it’s just life. We do what we do.
@dramamath: I suppose. I’ll work it out, sooner or later.
well, mav…i wish i could say i’ll be there for the jammy jam (you’ll have to email me details!) but i doubt i will be…not sure of the date but it sounds like it’ll be during a very busy time for me (but that’s for an email).
sorry that you’re having a crappy year…and as qathi said you’ll have plenty of time for even crappier ones and i’m sure you’ve had some crappy ones in the past and in time you’ll look back and say hey, it wasn’t the crappiest year…remember that year in art school? anyway….hope that you have a BLAST on your birthday and the remainder of this year…. we’ve all got our ups and downs and sometimes it just helps to get them off your chest, even if you feel like you’re whining or complaining…it’s just good to vent! and, that’s what we’re all here for 🙂
@pi c’s: I’ll send email soon. Hopefully you can, if not I understand.
Actually, the year I was an art student wasn’t that bad. It was just my being at war with the department, and really, I was pretty good at handling that. I had a plan and I knew exactly what I was doing. These days I’m really just drifting and grasping at straws wherever I can find them.