Day 530 of 365 More.
I have these days when I get really down on myself. Where I start thinking about this whole "being an aritst" thing and start wanting to reexamine my life.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I want to quit. Really I have no interest in that. And I’m not giving up. I’ll keep trying to the day I die. It’s just that the more I try and the more I don’t really get anywhere, the more depressed I feel about it.
Please don’t give me the standard pep talk: "but you just did a show." "but what’s important is that you do art for you." because that’s really all bullshit. Sure, I do this stuff for me. Sure I couldn’t stop if I wanted to. But at the end of the day, its all about feeling like I’ve accomplished something. Like I’ve gotten somewhere. I don’t feel that.
Really, I wish it was so simple as saying "woohoo, people like me." Really, I tell myself about every day how lucky I am to be as talented as I am, and to be completely self-centered for a moment, I really do think I’m talented. But no, I’m not happy. I’m not satisfied. Something in my brain just makes me feel like until I can make a living, some kind of living, doing the things I love, I’m just not going to be happy.
Yeah yeah yeah, most people have jobs they hate. Most people never get to realize their dreams. But honestly, fuck most people. I really don’t care. I want to be happy, and I just know myself well enough to know I’m really not going to be that way until the world remaps a bit in my image. The really funny thing is, I don’t hate my job. In fact, I even like it. I’m proud of what I do for a living. I’m good at it. But its not what I dream about. It’s not what I WANT to do. It’s what I tolerate doing. I’m tired of tolerating.
I need to be a rich and famous artist, reknowned all over the world. I need to own a popular trendy club, based around my party concepts which people so rave about that it eventually becomes a chain that puts Starbucks to shame. I need to have a harem of A-list Hollywood starlets that makes Hugh Hefner say "damn, Mav is the luckiest man alive."
Really, I’d settle for two out of three.
But you know, being on the way to one would be nice.
well. yeah.
I felt like that yesterday too. So i joined a gym. That way I can just… run until I pass out.
@spresogna: yeah… i should work out more. I should do a lot of stuff… how much was the JCC membership?
its 60 a month… but we have the student rate
@spresogna: hmm… that may be out of my league right now.. *sigh* I really should start using my home gym equipment again though.
I hear you man, that is part of the drive to improve
I get that same feeling a lot in science – I feel like months away from my Ph.D. I still can’t do what I really want to do (research/teaching, equal mix). That’s because I really can’t, without more luck than I have. I have to do a post-doc to be competitive for that stuff.
So, when I get in this mood I pick one concrete thing that I can accomplish that could be a stepping stone towards the next waypoint toward my goal. Doesn’t matter if I reach it/it pans out/etc. in this step – the important thing is that somewhere in the tangled mess I call my mind, I’ve made the switch from being whacked by fate to being in charge.
So, maybe figure out the next ‘big’ thing that has to happen for you to ‘make it’, and do one thing to make it happen. Then again, I’m no career counselor or art manager, so I’m definitely talking out of my nethers.
I know you could never give it up….and besides, most artists never really get to appreciate their own notoriety! But, I also feel that way often! Its the feeling of being no good at what I am trying to be good at…..
But, I promise that when I become rich and famous and have my entourage of A-list friends, I’ll make them buy your stuff!
@goplacia: I guess. I’m just impatient I suppose. I need more of a sign that I’m on the right track.
@Atraxen: yeah, I’ve been attempting to do that sort of thing. Making sure that I am at least trying, and hopefully, that at least means something in my head. I just wish the results were more encouraging, that’s all.
@sassyshannon999: yeah, I know. And really, given flickr, 365 and everything else, I’m probably more aware of my effect on the world than the majority of "artists" throughout history. It’s just not enough.
Fuck most people indeed! It totally pisses me off when people say "well, not everyone can be happy at their job." Why not? I say.
Since I got here I have been thinking about all the boarded up storefronts on Brownsville Road and if someone had some money, what revitalization could take place. Seems like there could be something besides checkcashing places and convenience stores. Goddamn I wish I were filthy rich.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll never be content with where you’re at. It’s what drives us in the first place. Any time we are too comfortable we throw our hat into another arena and force ourselves to accomplish something new. I find that I’m really happy when I’m on the journey. Getting there isn’t near as good as how I got there.
This is what makes us artists. The constant need to create. And when we make it into a job, it becomes work… So, even though doing it for the masses may bring us fame, we have to do it for ourselves first. If it’s good the other comes soon enough.
That’s not a pep talk… just my honest opinion… based on my own feelings toward my work. Hope you’re feeling better soon!
@marmal8: well, maybe they can’t all be happy. I just don’t care. So long as I’m happy with mine.
@Stephen Poff: I’ll be ok. Thanks for the not a pep talk.
i love the emotion and color in this one…. great job
@espressoDOM: thanks. I’m glad it worked.