2-4-10

Day 1273 of 365 4 lyf.

I’ve been pretty depressed and burned out for a long time. That’s certainly not a secret. I mention it from time to time. Funny thing is most people seem to think I’m being hopeless. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Hope is the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. The problem is hope just isn’t enough. Or at least it hasn’t been.

I’ve been looking for jobs lately. I need to find something. The last time I was in this position, during the first year of this project (and the beginning of the second), I was basically going crazy. I figured I had to find something, anything, just to keep myself from starving to death. i found something and I made the most of it for more than two years. And it was killing me. Now I’m back here again and really no better off. So what do I do? I need to find something that makes me happy. Something where I don’t have to fight myself to get out of bed every morning. Something where I don’t have to hope because I’ll already have "it."

I might have found something today. I was really excited about it for about 5 seconds, until I became terrified that I wouldn’t get it. I realized that my life has a way of disappointing me, especially when I want something too much. Then I became really depressed again.

But, I was thinking tonight. The wisest man I’ve ever known used to tell me all the time "nothing beats a failure but a try." Somewhere along the way I guess I forgot about that. I’m ashamed of that.

So I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I do know that I have to believe in that. Hey, he wasn’t the wisest man in the world for nothing, right?

This probably seems like rambling. But really, this is just me trying to get some thoughts down. A reminder to me as much as anything else.

Maybe one day I won’t need reminders.

365 days