Image by chrismaverick via Flickr
Author’s Note: Today is my birthday. I am 36 years old. I’ve decided it might be a good idea to start blogging again. Back in the old days (see, I’m old now, so I can say that), I used to write quite lengthy rants on my livejournal, but I kind of fell out of the habit of doing that when I got really involved in writing my comic strip. But I’ve decided that I miss being able to ramble on about my thoughts and ideas in non-comic fiction form, and since I have this brand spanking new blogging site here, I figured this would be as good a place to do it as any. So I’ve decided to make a “rants” category here. This will be where I discuss random stuff that’s on my mind. It may be about my art, it may be about religion or politics. It could be pretty much anything. Fair warning to any new readers. I’m a really bright guy, but I’m also pretty much insane. Proceed with caution.
And now on with it.
So, I’ve decided to become the new Pope. I didn’t come to this decision lightly, because I realize that becoming pope isn’t the easiest thing in the world to do. But I’ve been thinking about it and the way I see it I have a certain responsibility to the world. The world needs me to guide it and I think that the office of high pontiff of the Catholic Church may be the best way for me to go about that.
I get that it won’t be easy. The first big stumbling block that I’m likely to run into is that I’m not Catholic. Technically, as far as I can tell through my “extensive web research” that I’ve conducted over the last 3 minutes or so, the Pope doesn’t really have to be Catholic. But it seems most Catholics probably think he does and would respect me for, well, the blatant blasphemy and heresy that I tend to spout on a regular basis. For instance. As I said, I’m not Catholic. Regular readers of my old blog will know that when I needed a religion I tend to claim to be a HOVA’s Witness (which is to say that I believe in Jay-Z, the GodMC) which is pretty much reason enough for me to go to hell right there. But really, I think that my attitude towards religion is exactly why I need to be put in charge.
See, contrary to popular belief, I am not actually against religion. Booze, Sex, Prayer… whatever gets you through the night. I just think that religion as it stands has gotten so ridiculously out of hand that it needs to be reorganized a bit. I’m not just blaming the Catholics here. In fact, i think there’s problems with the protestants, muslims, jews, mormons, scientologists, buddhists, et al. But I can’t just say “put me in charge of all religion,” cuz that’s just silly, right? No one will stand for that. No, in my old age of 36, I’ve determined that it’s time to give up delusions of grandeur and work with realistic goals. And therefore, I figure, I’ll just become Pope and then hope for kind of a trickle-down effect to the other religions. I mean, that worked so well for Ronald Reagan, right?
So here’s what I propose. I need someone high ranking in the Catholic Church to anoint me a cardinal or bishop or something. I realize that normally these people are picked from priests and such, but lets face it, I’m already 36 and I have a lot of work to do with this reform and so we’re short on time, so lets just avoid that whole seminary and ordination thing and just skip to chase. Besides, I really like sex. Like a lot. So you know, fuck that whole vow of chastity thing (which really, it turns out that priests don’t seem to believe in anyway, which is kinda the problem).
So anyway, once I’m a bishop I figure I’ll do the job. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not looking for a free ride here. I’ll go around and you know, like spread the ministry and stuff. I’m all about you know, opening a soup kitchen here or there, but I figure I’d work as a good public face of the church. I can be the guy you send out to give the official statements on the pundit circuit. Don’t worry, I’ll tow the line. As long as the current pope is around, I’ll do the whole smoke screen pretending that no one is molesting young boys in the vestry. Birth control is wrong. Them gays are sinners. I know how this works. I can play ball.
But when the current pope dies, and let’s face it, he’s 83 , that’s when we get to make some quality changes. See, cardinals, I know it seems off, but you WANT me to be Pope. None of you are going to do what needs to be done. There’s too much heat attached. But I’m all about it. The great thing about being pope is that no matter what kind of bat-shit crazy stuff you say, the whole catholic church is forced to accept it and so the media will focus the fire on me instead of you guys, and you can totally play the “well we don’t know, the pope says it’s so and he’s infallible, so we gotta listen” card. It’ll be great.
So what do you get? Well for starters, I’m going to let you get married. It’s 2010. The jews and baptists and lutherans and methodists and everyone else in the world have been letting their religious leaders get married for eons. It’s going just fine. I think God is ok with it. And I’m going to make it ok. And just think, once it’s ok, you’ll have the right to fuck anybody you want. You’re grown men. You have needs. I get it. I’m not mad at that. But lets just be out in the open about it. We don’t need to be hiding in closets with defenseless young boys.
Oh, and the whole sex outside of the bounds of marriage thing? We’re done with that. Why? Lets face it, no one is listening anyway. Have you ever been to an all girls catholic school? Napoleon Dynamite could get laid at an all girls catholic school. I’ve read the bible. Adam was bored so God created Eve and told them to go off and do some fucking. He didn’t marry them. He said, ok “here you go, you’re naked, you have utopia. have a party. just stay the hell away from my tree.” and he let them be. And then when they didn’t listen, he punished them. “You’ve defied me. No Eden for you! Get the fuck out. Oh yeah, Eve I know this was on you. Childbirth is gonna hurt like a bitch!”
See, that’s the thing that’s the problem. Religion is based around the concept that God has rules and when you defy God, he does shit to you. Casts you out of paradise, floods the world, strikes you down with a plague or something, invents labor pains. And when you do stuff that God likes, he rewards you. You get like a vineyard or he splits the ocean in half so you can walk across it, or maybe he doesn’t let you get eaten by lions or something. Hell, God even felt so bad about the the whole childbirth thing that sometime in the 1960s he decided to invent the female orgasm. The point is, God has shit under control. He is perfectly capable of making his opinions known if he so desires. He’s not exactly shy. So we don’t have to do it for him. If he has a problem with someone, homeboy knows how to get the point across.
In other words, we’re going to lay off the gays. I’m pretty sure God’s ok with them. If he’s not, he’ll turn them into salt or something when he’s damn good and ready, and think of how fun that’s going to be for the rest of us. And lets face it, priests, a lot of you are gay. And that’s ok. I get it. We’ve spent the last couple thousand years telling you that it’s wrong and that’s a lot shame to overcome, but just think, once I’m in charge, that’s over. No more “hiding in the vestry!” Just think how awesome it’s going to be when you’re giving your sermon and you can tell the congregation with pride “I’m sorry to to cut this short, but it’s me and Deacon Smith’s 4th anniversary today, and as soon as we’re out of here I’m going to ride him so hard he won’t be sitting down for two weeks. Praise be to god, amen!” And then on your way out, everyone will congratulate you rather than shunning you. It’ll be great!
And for you straight priests, I’ve got something for you too. We’re going to open up the priesthood to women. Again, other religions have done it, none of them have been stricken down. I’m pretty sure God’s cool with it.
And I’m not asking for much in return. You make me pope and I’m going to make these things work for you. I’ll be making some other small changes, but they’re not really worth you worrying about. I’ll be modifying the catholic school girl outfit. Nothing big. We’re just going to hem it up a couple inches. It’s a personal thing, you wouldn’t understand.
We’re going going to take the stance that birth control is ok. There’s too many people anyway. We’re also going to start using hallucinogens during particularly important ceremonies. We’re going to have visionquests! Again, this is something that’s working for other religions. I figure, lets just try it out and see how it goes. We’re also revising those commandments. In particular, we’re going to be revisiting all of that coveting nonsense. It’s the 21st century. Coveting makes the economy work.
And finally, I’m gonna be making one change that you guys ming not like a first. But that whole Holy Communion Transubstantiation thing? Yeah, we’re dropping that whole notion. It’s just gross. From here on out, it’s a metaphor, ok? You’re eating bread and drinking wine. It’s representative. No more of this talk of “we’re eating the actual body of Christ!” we’re done with it. Trust me, people think your church is fucked up enough as it is.
So what do you say? Am I in?
-Mav