Dear Performatively Evangelical Internet,
Please kindly… fuck off. Seriously.
-Love, Mav
Ok, now that that’s out the way… I’m guessing most people don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Ok. So earlier today the memorial service for Aretha Franklin, undisputed Queen of Soul, was held. This was a big enough deal that CNN cut away from coverage of John McCain’s ongoing memorials. Why? Because queens outrank senators. That’s why. Among the other guests, someone decided to book Ariana Grande because she recently covered “You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman,” one of Aretha’s biggest hits, on the Jimmy Fallon show as a tribute. She rocked it, so someone immediately decided to book her for Aretha’s funeral. Where she rocked it again. Take a look.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to get standing ovation at a fucking funeral? You don’t? You know what? Neither does Ariana Grande… because that shit just happens for her. She’s that good. Anyway, it was great. It was moving. I loved it.
Fast forward a few hours.
Check twitter… check the news… and what the fuck people?!?!? People are seriously upset about what she wore.
Ariana Grande is 5 feet tall at best and still managed to find a dress that barely covered her ass for the house of the Lord, waouw ?
— Shamira ?? (@_ShamGod) August 31, 2018
Um Ariana Grande, this a church service. Nobody coulda helped that chyle find a more conservative outfit? ?#ArethaFranklinHomegoing
— Drew Comments (@sjs856) August 31, 2018
Ariana Grande came to Aretha’s funeral with a club dress on. Where are the church mothers when you need one? #ArethaFranklinFuneral
— King Ares. (@aPITCHinheels) August 31, 2018
Ok, let’s get something clear. Ariana Grande is famous for exactly two reasons. One, she has the voice of an angel. And two, she is the living embodiment of a 13 year old boy’s wet dream. That’s not on accident. That’s what she chooses to be. Honestly, given everything I’ve ever seen Ariana Grande wear… that may be the most conservative thing she owns. And that’s fine… because when they booked Ariana for a funeral, they knew what they were getting. You know who else knew what what they’d be getting with Ariana Grande… Aretha Franklin… you know why? Because Aretha Franklin was a fan. Ariana even talked about meeting her on the episode of Fallon which got her booked in the first place.
But also, Aretha literally used to dress like that ALL THE TIME! That’s probably why she liked her. Sixty years ago, Aretha Franklin WAS Ariana Grande. Hell, ten years ago, Aretha Franklin was Ariana Grande… Do you have any idea how many times Aretha was chastised in the press for walking around with her tits hanging out of her dress? Pretty much her entire career. That’s sort of what she did. She was extremely body positive WELL past the time when her age and weight made her no longer look like Ariana does.
Seriously, I’m a fan of Ariana’s voice. And, frankly, I’ll admit that I’m a fan of her body. But honestly, when I was watching her singing Aretha’s song earlier I did not for one moment consider how hot she was. It didn’t even cross my mind. She is… yes… she’s quite attractive. But the voice of an angel and the emotion of the moment of tribute, and the memories of Aretha totally eclipsed what she looked like. Because I’m a fan… and that’s what she was there for. I didn’t have time to be distracted by a mid-thigh hemline.
And if that didn’t happen for you… well, then perhaps maybe the problem isn’t that Ariana did something wrong. Perhaps the problem is that you don’t care about Ariana, Aretha or funerals anywhere near as much as you care about daydreaming about fucking Ariana Grande.
So, if you’re that concerned about where the hemline was on that dress, and how it might have disrespected Aretha…then… seriously… you’re not really an Aretha fan. You just like being holier-than-thou and slut shaming someone who clearly knows a lot more about her than you do. You would have said the same thing about Aretha before two weeks ago. And you probably did. So seriously… fuck off.
PS: Yes, I also know that people are trying to defend Ariana by freeze-framing video and saying she was touched inappropriately by the pastor who presided over the service. That’s a separate issue and I left it alone on purpose.